Pictures of you

Hi Baby Boy, we went to see Uncle Tom and Aunt Tara today, and the boys. I brought your scrap book to show everyone, and I am so proud of it, but it also makes me so sad, and angry. Your Daddy and I should have you with us to take to visit, not a stupid book of pictures. I feel really quite pathetic, telling everyone I'm so exited for them to see the pictures, when all I want to have is you to show. Its not fair, and I'm angry that I am so angry and sad, I don't like to feel like this, I don't know how to make it stop. I want you to see me smile, and hear me laugh. One day Jack you'll hear me laugh, just not today. I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love, Moma

Morning Buddy

Good Morning Jack

Dad here, as you know by now I didn't go to work today. I had a bad day yesterday and I really couldn't face all the people at the store today. Yesterday a woman came into the store, her and her husband were in our pre-natel class , she had her new baby daughter (I forget her name). She would have been the same age as you if you hadn't decided to make your appearance so early:). I was very sad to see her, I was happy that her little girl was happy, but after I told the lady about what had happened to us, she said the almost exact thing had happened to her and her little girl had been in the intensive care unit for 2 weeks. The thing that made me sad, and a little mad (O.K. alot Mad) was that her little girl was O.K. and with her and you are not with us:( Why did hse get to keep her baby and we didn't. It makes me so mad Bud, but I don't like to show it so I don't upset you or your Mom. I look at your room everyday (I loved painting it and getting it ready for you) and wish so much that you were with us. Your Mom had a rough day yesterday too, mabey she can tell you about it, but I'll just say that when I leave the house to go to work from now on I'll hide the good china:) I'm gonna take it easy today, and I think your Mom's gonna go to Barrie with your Grandma Townes and look around.
The other night Stan the Cat was sitting in the middle of your room and making all these strange noises, we just wondered if you were talking to him? or mabey you were pulling his tail?
That's My Boy

Love ya Buddy
Dad

Who am I ?

Hi Baby Boy, I bet you're also wondering who I am today... I know who I used to be, before I had you in my belly. And I know who I was going to be, Your Moma. But now, I don't know who I am. I have become this person who curls up on your floor and cries herself to sleep, who is so angry, and sad, and doesn't want to do anything, even on such a beautiful sunny day, who wonders if she will ever smile or dance again.
I miss you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Moma

Crying

Hi Buddy, Dad here

I really hope it doesn't make you sad when you see your Mom or me cry. Crying just helps us get our feelings out , so we don't keep them inside and make us feel bad later on. I cry when I think about the time we didn't have together, when I think about the things I didn't get to tell you or teach you, the things I didn't get to show you. Lately I've been crying because I've been feeling kinda guilty because I don't feel sad all day long, some times I laugh and mabey I shouldn't, but then I think of you and what you would want me to do, and then I can get on with my day with thoughts of you in my head. I also feel kinda bad because sometimes it feels like you were never here, like we are living our lives just as we did before your mom was pregnant with you, like nothing has changed, but it has changed, we have changed, for the better. Having you in our lives for the small time we did showed us what love was and what happiness was. Thanks Buddy.
So in closing, don't feel sad when you see your Mom and I cry, just believe that we are getting better and we will always have you in our hearts.

Love Dad

Part two

Hi Baby boy, I wanted to write again, so your daddy doesn't worry (or you too) I was so angry this afternoon. I'm sorry, I just get so frustrated with these feelings, knowing only time will help (and I've never been the most patient when it comes to things byond my controal). I wish I could make your daddy feel better, he says I do by taking care of myself as best I can, so I know you feel better that I saw the counsellor today. I'm going to start eating more veggies to.
Love Moma

I wish I was 2

Hi Baby Boy, as the heading says, I wish I was 2 again. Then I could stomp my feet, scream "Its no fair" and no one would think anything of it. I suppose I still could, but I know thats not going to change anything. I couldn't get a candy bar for a temper tantrum like I used to in the store, a tempertantrum isn't going to bring you back. I just don't want to admit what I know in my heart. I don't want to admit that you can't be with us, it hurts too much. This is I supose what denial is. Just part of what we have to work though. This really $#*(#%$@ sucks. I don't want to work through anything.
I love you Baby Boy, to the moon and back
Moma

Light

Hi Baby Boy
I've been thinking about holding you in my arms, wondering if I'd have asked you to stay with us, you could have. Maybe somehow when you opened your eyes, it would have been to say Hi Moma, not good bye. I wonder if when you were ready to leave your little body, you'd seen the perverbial light, or something like it. I wonder if you felt like you werre flying. I wish I knew what exact second your spirit left us, instead of the time the doctors watch said. I miss you Mr. Twinkle Toes. Did you hear us listening to Prince last night? I thought of you. I love you
Moma

How your Mom and Dad Feel right now

Hi Buddy

A good friend of mine (Ben) sent your Mom and I a poem from a lady who also doesn't have her son with her anymore, I think it says exactly how both of us feel about not having you here with us. Mabey it will help a few more people that are going through the same kinda stuff that we are going through.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,Unless you have lost your child too,Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,Because that is just not true,Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,Though it is true, I want him here with me,Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,Don't tell me it is time to move on,Because I cannot,Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,Because denial is something I can't stop,Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,Because I wanted more,Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,I'll never be as I was before,What you can tell me is you will be here for me,That you will listen when I talk of my child,You can share with me my precious memories,You can even cry with me for a while,And please don't hesitate to say his name,Because it is something I long to hear everyday,Friend please realize that I can never be the same,But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker(In Memory of Shane)Copyright 1998

Love you Buddy

Dad