Permission

Hi Baby Boy, I've been thinking about my health, a lot, and how I need to start moving more and loosing some of this weight I've gained, but its so hard. Part of me feels like I don't want to, because I gained this weight with you. I also am struggling with feeling like I don't deserve to be healthy, because you're not here and I am. I know thats exactly why I should get better, because I am here, but part of me needs to still give myself permission to feel Ok before I can do it, and I don't know how to give myself permission... Any ideas Mr. Twinkle Toes ?
Love you,
Moma

Playin' Video Games

Hey there Baby Boy

How are you doin' tonight? Dad's kinda sad tonight, really miss ya here. I kept thinking at work today about the day we let you go at the hospital, I keep wondering if you were angry at us for not giving you more of a chance, mabey if we had waited a day or 2 more mabey you would have gotten better. Leaving that hospital on that day was the worst experience ever. I can't sleep tonight so I'm playin' these "Old" video games I bought, I wish you were here playing them with me. Arnold(The Hamster) is rolling around in his ball and your kitty Stan is keeping a close eye on him (Don't worry there friends).
Say hi to my Grandpa for me O.K.? I know he's taking good care of you. Tommorow your Mom and I are gonna go and have breakfast with your Grandma Townes.
Love you Buddy

Dad

Angel Baby

Good Morning Baby Boy: I thought it was a good time to share this, I read it everyday- it gives me strength, and I think of you.

An Angel once lay beneath my heart, A promise of life to come; My little babe was resting there, Yet would not follow me home. My tiny precious Angel, Had plans unknown to all, For my Angel heard the voice of God, And hastened to his call. My Angel flew on fragile wings, Into the fathers arms; To slumber there in peaceful rest, Untouched by earthly harms. So slumber there, my precious child, Till I can come to you; I'll keep you here, deep in my heart, Till my journey on earth is through.
- 2001 Allison Chambers Coxsey-

This was sent to us from wonderful people Daddy knows, and I am so thankful. If I can't have you with me, I like knowing you are an Angel Baby, and can fly and have fun. Can you see us ? I wish I could see you, see you smile. You'd have a beautiful smile like Daddy. I miss you so much. My heart hurts.
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes, can you dance where you are ?
Love Moma

Hey Big Red

Evening Buddy

I got wondering today if we have ever told you that your hair had a touch of Red in it. Your Mom has red hair and so does your Grandma Townes, and I use to get some red in my beard (Now it's just all grey). I saw a little boy today that had red hair and he made me think of you (I was standing on top of a ladder at the time). It made me smile, and shed a few tears, but mostly smiles. I could just picture you running around getting into all kinds of stuff, a true little red head . Miss ya Bud

Love Dad

Are you watching over us?

Hi Jack

It's late and i'm gonna go to be soon (I've got to get up early for work). I was thinking tonight, are you watching your Momma and Me from where ever you are? Just wondering. I got a new toy today, it takes old video tapes and puts them on your computer so you can burn them onto DVD's, it's pretty cool. I'm putting the original Star Wars movies on the computer right now.
Good night Buddy

Love Dad

Presents

Hi Baby Boy, are you sending me all the snow flakes today? Thank you. I was looking in the closet at all your presents from everyone. So many wonderful gifts that you should have been here to use. I am so sorry that you didn't get to see them. I wonder now if anyone wants them back. What is the right thing to do? Part of me wants to give them all back and say I'm sorry to everyone, that they spent all this time and money on everything, and nothing could be used. Its just not fair. Aunt Nadia said its ok and I can have a tantrum if I want, and she'll buy me a chocolate bar...Maybe I'll take her up on it. Us red heads can throw a good fit (so be warned Baby Boy, don't be afraid, I'll be Ok)
I love you, to the moon and back
Moma

...

I'm sorry Baby Boy, working through a bit of anger at the moment, I also know that I hate having to chose to live without you.
I miss you so much.
Love Moma

What I know, and don't

Hi Baby Boy. It sure doesn't feel like I know a whole lot these days, but I do know how much I love you and your daddy. If we can't have you with us, than I know I want to live, and be healthy, for your daddy and myself. I know I couldn't live without your daddy, and I know he sure couldn't live without me. I don't know how we can live without you though Mr. Twinkle Toes. I don't know if its fair to live without you, but we have to, our journey isn't finished yet. I know that theres a reason I'm still here, to be with your daddy, so I hope its Ok that we live, and we'll live in honor of you Jack.

Love You Mr.Twinkle Toes

Momma

Tired

Morning Buddy

It's nice and sunny out there today, I know your Momma is saying thanks:)
I'm just waiting for the men to come and fix the water system and then I'm going to work, and your Momma has a few appointments today. She woke up with a headache, so I hope she is feeling better later. I just feel so tired all of the time, I wish your Mom and I could just get away for a week and not have to worry about anything. But I know that's not possible and when we got back it would all still be here. As I would have taught you, you just have to face your fears head on and deal with them instead of hiding. Today shouldn't be to bad at work (If everyone just does what they are suppose to do), I'll try and keep my cool. I look at the pictures of you on top of the bookcase and wonder what would have been, you would have been a month and a half old today, you would have been waking us up in the middle of the night because you were hungry, right now I would have been spending some time with you before I went to work . It makes me so mad that I have to write you a letter on this damm computer instead of talking to you in my arms (Please don't cry Momma).
I should get going

Have a good day Bud

Love Dad

Thanks for the rain

Morning Buddy

Thanks for the rain out there today, you know that I enjoy this weather. I have to get ready to go into work soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I just hate seeing people with there babies and seeing people that don't know that you are not with us anymore. I'll just suck it up and get on with it I guess. Keep an eye on your Momma today O.K.?

Love you Buddy
Dad

Sunshine

Hi Baby Boy,
I'm worried about your daddy. I know its not your job to take care of us, you should be here for us to care for you. Life is the way it is. Could you send your daddy a sign, let him know your Ok. and even though its not the way its suposed to be, you're here with us in the way you can be. I know your daddy is every bit as lost as I am, I wish I knew the way so I could show him how to get through this, so he didn't worry so much about me. I don't know where I would be without your daddy. You know how wonderful he is, and how much he loves me, and you too.
Love Moma

Kinda Lost

Hi Bud

It's nice and sunny out there today (Mom says thanks). I'm lost without you bud. I have your Mom here with me, and I have all of my friends and family, but there's just something missing, and that something is you. I told your Mom that I don't won't to celebrate Christmas or any kind of holidays this year, I hope everyone understands. I just don't want to celebrate without you.
I'm lost, I get up and go through the motions, but i'm just not here. I've gained a ton of weight (Eating helps me cope with pain). I just want to shut myself off from everyone and everything. I'm doing my best to keep it together for your Mom, but I just feel lost. I wish you were here with us today, I would have loved to have taken you out for a walk today in your really cool stroller that your Grandpa and Grandma W bought for you. It's really nice, you would have looked so cool in it. I see other fathers pushing their sons around and I feel so cheated, this was my time. Sorry Bud, I don't mean to bring you down.
Gonna go now and chill out.

Love Always

Your Dad