HERE'S JACK'S LITTLE BROTHER BENJAMIN!!!

It's been quite awhile since either your Mama or myself posted anything to the Blog (mostly because I forgot the Username/Password) hehe, and we have had our hands full the last 6 and a half months with your little brother Benjamin

Ben was born on the 13th of October 2008. Mama and Ben were Amazing, everything went perfect :)(Thanks to you)

Every once and awhile Ben will look at the ceiling talking away to himself, but I know that he's talking to you Jack :)

Love ya Buddy

Love Dad


xoxoxox

Where do I start

Hey Buddy

It's Dad here. I'm just getting ready for work and was thinking of you this morn and it's been so long since we have posted anything to your BLOG so I thought I would quickly drop you a line.
I guess by now you know you will be a big brother soon (Oct 21st). The doctors have been taking good care of your Momma and baby "Beans" so there's no need for you to worry. Some days I get so angry because I wish the doctors could have done all this for you then we would have you here with us right now (Drivin' us crazy probably) hehehe.Here's a picture of Momma and Champs.

I should get to work. Thank you for looking out for your Momma and soon to be born little brother, your a great son:)

Love Dad

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Good 'Ol Days

Hello my Baby Boy,

Its been a very long time since I've wrote to you. This summer has been pretty crazy hasn't it, between my spending time visiting Grandma and Grandpa W. your baby cousin Callum being born... I've missed writing to you my mister.

Last night Daddy and I went out to his high school reunion party, and boy was I reminded of some of my own Good ol days. The one thing that I really became aware of though, was how very little I have of the past 18 months to add to my "Good 'ol Days". I've been so sad, up and down and all around crazy. Daddy and I have spent a lot of time talking and planning ways to get healthier and be happier so I can be home.

I miss you, I love you, to the Moon and Back. I danced for you last night Mr. Twinkle Toes.

Love Momma

Summertime

Hi Buddy

Dad Here. Well the summer is coming to an end and I realized that I haven't written you for a long time. The summer has has been bitter sweet. Your Mama has been visiting your Grandma and Grandpa W so I haven't seen alot of her, which makes my heart hurt. Champ learned to swim, he just loves the water, we take him swimming out by your spot at Tudhope park, I know you have been watching and laughing at him jumping around in the water. I wish it was you I was teaching to swim, watching you jump and laugh in the water, building sand castles on the beach with your cousins, taking you for long walks and listening to the birds and trees . I think about all of our friends and family that have kids and wishing that they wouldn't take them for granted as they have no clue what's it's like to almost have something then have it stolen away. I saw 2 really beautiful rainbows last week and when I was taking pictures of them I knew that somehow they were from you to your Mama telling her not to give up.

Love you buddy



Dad

Jack playing at Mariposa

Hi Buddy

Dad here. It's been a long time since I have wrote you a message to you on your Blog, but I thought it was time too.

This weekend is the Mariposa Folk Festival out at Tudhope Park were your spot is. Your Momma and I went last night and we visited your spot and said hi to you, it felt really good. You know that your Momma and I are going through some things right now that we have to deal with before we move on with our lives, but that doesn't mean we don't still love each other.

Out where your spot is they have set up a childrens stage were kids go to listen to music and dance, we both know that you were dancing today, I could just feel it. Here are some pictures of people having fun.

We took some pictures on friday and there was a blurr in the 2 photos that we took at your spot but not in any of the other photos that I took after that. We know that it's you.

I know it's been already a year and a half but I still do miss you even though I don't talk about you as much.

I love you buddy



Dad

Stary Stary Night

Hi My Baby Boy,
Its late, very late... I couldn't sleep, and Champs was up so I took him outside. Maybe it was you calling?
When we got outside, I looked up and saw the most magical stary night I've seen in a long time. Too many stars to count, and the milky way spread out right across the sky. I immagine you swimming all night long in the sea of stars.
Daddy and I sure do miss you. Sunday was fathers' day, and it hurt Daddy's heart that he couldn't have you here to spend the day at the park... I made a wish on a shooting star and asked that you could come see Daddy in his dreams, and show him the 2 of you playing at the park. I think he would like that a lot.
I love you to the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes. I want to sleep under the stars and dream of diving into the milky way with you...
Love you forever,
Momma

Dragonflys & Glowflys

Hi my Baby Boy.
I havn't wrote for a while, just been feeling like I havn't had much to say...
The past few nights though have been pretty magical around here in our backyard.
Its not so uncommon at the begining of spring-summer to see dragonflys and glowflys, but the dragonflys have been out numbering the mosquitos!!! (There are a lot of dragonflys in otherwords)
I found out that the spiritual message from dragonflys is "You know who you really are". Interesting.
I also have been picturing you flying around with the glowflys at night... your poor Daddy... Every night, as soon as they come out, I yell, Daddy jumps, Champs barks, I run outside with Champs, Daddy stays at the window shaking his head. Geez, you think Daddy would know the routine by now! I have always loved glowflys (and I know they are really called FireFlys - but glowflys is much more fun).
Just when I thought the nights couldn't be any better, I saw a huge shooting star the other night. I know you heard my wish. I hope it is Ok with you. I'm sure it is, because I saw even more glowflys the next night.
I love you. To the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love,
Momma

To the moon and back

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes
Today Daddy and I walked by Brewry Bay ~ our old haunt where we would go every Friday for eats and drinks. It made me smile and think of how much fun it would be to do again.
Champs was at his puppy class this morning, and I thought about all the "Mommy and Me" classes I'd have taken you to.
I know that you are watching me, and so happy that I am out with Champs, taking him to classes (and we both know how much he needs it don't we). I will never stop missing you, or wanting you here, but I know it is the way it is. All I can do is trust in the ways of the universe, and know I will be with you again when the time is right.
Untill then, I love you.
To the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

A Long Weekend

Hi my Baby Boy.
What a weekend we had here... Your big cousin Stewart stayed with us for the weekend and had a great time (we all did) On Saturday up at the mall the Stanley Cup was on display and I got to get my picture taken with Daddy touching the cup! my stomach hurt so much though, thats the kind of thing I would have wanted to do with you so much.
Today was a fun day. Daddy and I met some of his friends from high school at the park and and had a wonderful time meeting eachother and wathing the kids play. Then we went to the Mariposa Market where I had a chocolate turtle brownie... oh my goodness it was very good.
I know you were at the park watching us today, and I know you were so happy Daddy and I went. I love you Mr. To the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

A green & brown special day

Hi my Baby Boy,

Today is Mothers' Day. I could spend all day writing about how despretly I miss you, how much my stomach hurts that you're not here, how much Daddy wanted to make today something else for me...
I still had a wonderful day.
I've had bags of soil and seeds waiting to plant for 3 weeeks and plants that are too big for the pots that needed repotting... I just couldn't get around to it. Untill today. It must have been waiting for Mothers' day because I got going and got it all done, and it felt great.
Daddy got me a card, Happy Mothers' Day- From your Pup Champs, and after dinner we went for a wonderful walk to your spot and blew bubbles!!!
I thought of you. You are in my heart and soul Baby Boy. I'm getting better at knowing that. What ever I do, where ever I go, you are and always will be my Baby Boy.
So, A very Happy Momma's Day, to Me. I close my eyes, and say I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.

Love,
Momma

Requests from Momma

Good Morning Mr. Twinkle Toes,
Today Daddy and I took Champs to the vets... its his big opperation day. I'm hoping you could come down and curl up with him, keep him safe and warm while he's away. Just knowing that you could do that makes me feel so much better Baby Boy. Then Champs could come home and tell me that he saw you, and that you are Ok too.
I also wondered, since Mom and Dad (your Gandma and Grandpa W.) are in Virginia, and are planning on going on a ghost walk through the city tomorrow night (and since you are my, and your Daddys Baby Boy) maybe you could put in an extra appearance and do some thing extra special just for them on the walk to scare the *&h^%&^ out of them (sorry, as Daddy would say ~ear muffs Mr.~) Thats what I would do, and your Grandpa W. Don't let him fool you, he can be a real @#$@# (ear-muffs) too. Just ask Grandma W. about that!
I love you Baby Boy. I know your with me. Everyday and Every night. I feel you with me every time I remember to just breathe.

Love,
Momma

Spring in the air

Hi my Baby Boy,
I was walking home from the bus today, and noticing how sad it is, all the garbage that appears after the winter thaw. However, it amazes me year after year that among all the garbage and dirt, the bright green blades of grass, the wild flowers, dandylions, and even the wild Trillium flowers grow proud and strong regardless of what mess is around them or they are caught up in.
Kind of a good analogy for my mind. Regardless of what a tangle of "garbage" ie. negative self talk, guilt, self blame, anxiety... my mind is caught up in, there is always room for power and beauty to come out of it all.
I'll keep thinking that every time I walk up and down the road. Every time I look up and the moon and the stars though, they are for you Baby Boy. Because I love you, to the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

Home

Good Morning Baby Boy.
There's nothing better than comming home, having a home to come home to, and someone who loves you waiting for you at home.
I know Daddy said the other day that I was having a very difficult time coping throughout this year. Its funny how positive words can sound, and how honestly you can meen them as you type them, but the feel goes with it as fast as you type.
Your Daddy's right. I havn't been Ok. I need a lot of help... but I am on the right path, and asking for the right help. Thank you for showing me that you are out there for me too. (This picture is from our back yard)
I Love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy. Your Daddy sure is the most wonderful man. Thank you for helping give him strength while I was away for a while.
Love
Momma

Your Momma My Wife

Jack

You would be so proud of your Momma. She has taken the steps to get better and to become the wife I once new. The last year has taken a toll on her, on both of us, but your Momma just could not let go the feelings of guilt and anger, and to know that she is working through that I am so happy. It's hard not having here here everyday, but just seeing her for the little time I can everyday makes my heart skip a beat and I guess the old saying is true "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder".

Thank you buddy for watching out for her, she's my everything

Love Dad

Time goes by

Good Morning Baby Boy
How despretly I miss you. Not a day will go by I don't feel that.
Time somehow keeps going by. I can't believe another spring is here. I remember flashes of last spring, like walking and finding a little leaf, dandylion fluffies... but for the most part last year was a blur that I barley existed through.
This year, I feel like I'm comming alive with the spring. Like I am thawing after a long cold winter. Then I remember that you arn't with me, and I have to remind myself that you would want to see me dancing in the sunshine again. I know you are your Daddy's son, and you'd laugh at me, but thats Ok.
Champster and I were out playing this morning, and I heard a woodpecker. It made me think of you, and I smiled, and did a little dance.
I love you Baby Boy
Momma

Movin'

Good Morning My Baby Boy,
What a great way to start the day today... I got a call from the d.j at our local radio station, called "Jack F.M" and Daddy entered me in a draw, and I won! a 4 month membership to a gym!!!
I am so excited. Through my program at the hospital, it helped me be Ok with wanting to move again, to get healthy, to live. I am remined of a quote, that I think you would agree with...
To honour the life of one who's passed on, isn't measured by the depths of your greif, but by the hight your soul reaches in life.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

People come and go...

But memories and love are forever in our hearts, arn't they Baby Boy.
This comes from the news that Colin had a very serious heart attack yesterday, and the outcome isn't looking good. This isn't what I want to talk to you about. Your life was supposed to be here, to see the sunshine, ladybugs and fishies. Instead though, you got to see everything far to quickly.
I'm thinking to day about outcomes, how people in our lives come and go, and how important it is to let them know while they are with us, what they meen in our life.
I hope when you were with Daddy and I Jack, that you knew, and know still that you are our Sun and Moon and Stars in the sky. Nothing I have ever had, or could ever have, will come close to how deeply I love you.
If it is time, for Colin to pass, will you keep an eye out for him Baby Boy. I know he would love to meet you. He's really cool.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

3 Weeks

Hello My Baby Boy,
I sure do miss you. Last night was group, and as wonderful as it is, it is also sad. Daddy and I were given such a beautiful gift... an angel called "a tree and a prayer". It is so special, and we are so thankful to whom gave it to us.
This past 3 weeks, I know you've seen how hard I've been working at the day program. Between group meetings and exercise... I've learned, and practiced a lot. The biggest lesson I've learned, is that I'm Ok when I exercise, and lose weight. In fact, when I do yoga is when I feel close to you again. Mybe thats why I can balance on one foot... its you holding me up!
I love you Baby Boy. I'll keep looking to the sky in my pose, keeping an eye out for you.
I miss you.
Love,
Momma

Nine Inch Nails

Good Morning my Baby Boy,

Contrary to Grandpa W's belief, Nine Inch Nails refers to Momma's most favourite band (well, one of)
Daddy suprised me this morning with the Live in Concert d.v.d of Nine Inch Nails, and I've been doing a little dance all around the appartment all morning. I'm sure you're dancing right along with me. When you were in my belly and I'd listen to this cd, you would always roll around (Grandma W. tried to tell me it was because it was too much noise and you didn't like it ~ but I know you really loved it ~ you're my son)
Anyways, I'm doing this next little dance for you Baby Boy. I love you. To the Moon and Back
Love,
Momma

Walk a mile

Hi Baby Boy,
I've wanted to write earlier, but blogger was being funny... On Monday I started the day treatment program at the hospital. It has been fantastic (although by the end of the day I'm exhausted and a little grumpy).
5 days a week, we do an exercise video called Walk a mile. We walk on the spot and do different steps and stretches. Its kicking my * you know what* twice a week in the morning we do an hour long yoga class too. In this week alone, I've done more exercising than in the past few months I think.
Its a little scary. I know you're cheering me on, I know you'd want to see me happy and healthy, but I feel guilty. I'm not going to give in. I'm going to keep moving, watch close though... pretty soon I'll be the one kicking *you know what*
I love you
To the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

Sunny Day

Good Morning Mr. Twinkle Toes
It was hard to get up this morning. My heart felt heavy, my stomach hurt, knowing that we want to make this the year to do something. I'm really missing you.
Then Champ jumped on the bed, and gave me so many kisses, I'm sure some of them were from you, telling me to get up.
So, I got up. It is a beautiful sunny day. I got dressed and took Champ out right away for a play. It makes me smile to have Champ here. I'm sure your glad to, he gets me up and moving, and always keeps us laughing.
I love you, to the Moon and Back. I know I will see you one day, but its not today. I don't know when, but I will do my best to take care of myself, so when you see me, I will be at my best.
Love
Momma

1 Year ends another Year begins

Here is the beautiful memorial that Grandma W placed in our local Paper.


Jack, this is a time for your Momma and I to reflect on the past year, what we did, what we didn't do, and I know that you are looking at us where ever you are and wanting us to get on with our lives, live them to the fullest, not just for us but for you.


Don't worry Buddy we will


Love

Dad

February 22

My Baby Boy,
I'm not sure yet how I feel. So many things all at once.
It was one year ago today I was driven down to Toronto, after my c-section to meet you. How can I put into words... I was in complete total awe. You were magic lying there, you were, and are, my son.
How can I put into words... meeting the team of doctors, nurses and workers, hearing all that we were facing. I will never forget the feeling of that scream welling up from somewhere inside me. I remember swallowing it, thinking there will be time enough later for screaming.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I'll write more later.
Right now, the only thing I know is how much I miss you. How much I am thank you, for being with us, for the time we had, was the best time of my life.
Love
Momma

Happy 1st B-Day Buddy

Happy 1st Birthday Jack

I really didn't want to be saying it like this, I wanted cards, a party, clowns, presents, cake, the whole nine yards, but all we have is this.
Your Momma is here helping me along and keeping me going and everyone else is fantastic, but I still miss you with such a heavey heart. The other day I saw a man pushing his son along in his stroller just like the one Grandma and Grandpa W got for you and that really made me sad, but then I got a smile on my face when I thought if you were here you would be getting me to run them off the side walk with our stroller:)

Your Momma and I will go out to visit you today and your spot, it's cold out today Buddy, dress warm

Love your DAD

Birthday Star

Hi Baby Boy,
Tonight has sure been a rough one. Daddy and I both remembering one year ago, and how everything began. It was pretty scary, more so now I think, remembering it more clearly.
I coulnd't sleep. I wasn't really expecting to anyways, so I took Champ out to look at the stars. I love going to the middle of the yard, its so dark, perfectly quiet... and then, just as I was telling you I love you, I saw a shooting star.
Shooting stars have always been magic for me. Thank you Baby Boy.
I love you to the Moon and Back. Happy 1st Birthday
Love
Momma

These few days...

Good Morning my Baby Boy.

I'm so torn between being angry, and happy. I made a list the other day of why I've been so angry, and the top 3 reasons are that
1. You arn't here
2. Tomorrow is your first birthday, and I can't have you here to celebrate it
3. Realizing that this marks our "year of firsts" but it really isn't going to make a difference wheather its our year of firsts, or tenth. You still arn't going to be able to be here
I want though, to be happy tomorrow. It is the day you were born, and I got to meet you, see your face, your nose, your red hair... That in itself is worth celebrating forever for. You are, and always will be my Son. Regardless of where you are. You are in my heart.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

Doctors

Hi Baby Boy,

We have been doing well here the past couple of days. I think it helped so much that I had my support group on Thursday night. Another couple was there, that was at the very first meeting Daddy and I went to, only 3 weeks after you left us. Their son Tommy passed away the day before you. Maybe you and Tommy are best frieds up there, and like your Daddy and Uncle Paul getting into all sorts of stuff. I talked a lot to Tommy's Momma. We both have been having a very hard year, and it was comforting to know there is someone who knows, though I wish no one knew.
Today Daddy and I are taking your puppy Champ to the vets for the first time. I can't help but think that I should have you, and been taking you to the doctors. I guess in your time here you sure saw enough though. You know the Doctors you saw, they are the best of the best. Dr. Cambridge, he's taking good care of me here, and all of the staff at Sick Kids Hospital, well, there are no words to say how wonderful they are... but you know...
I love you Baby Boy. To the Moon and Back.
Love Momma

St. Valentine's Day

Mr. Twinkle Toes, I am so sad. I want you here with me. I wanted to give you your first Valentines today. Daddy would have given you the biggest chocolate heart, and eaten it himself (and given you some, to upset me) I would have given you the book called Snuggle Puppy. I wanted to buy it for you today, but couldn't. I wanted to try to sing the Snuggle Puppy song out loud, but couldn't do that either.
I miss you so much, and I can't believe that next week will mark one year that you've been here and gone again.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Doing what I can

Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I know that you see Daddy and I have been having a rough time lately. It is so hard, comming up to what should have been your first birthday. I wanted so much to have a party for you, with birthday cake and everything...
I'm doing what I can though. I got a phone call the other night congratulating me on having you, and asking if I was still interested in doing a study now that you are almost one year old. I replied with I would if you were here, but since you had died I didn't think I qualified.
I spoke to Lori, and she said you and I are going to make a difference again. She is going to the ethics board to talk about how they can prevent things like this from happening. I even said that I would go to the meeting and speak if they needed me to.
I wish everything was different. I wish you were here. I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.
Love,
Momma

February

Hi Baby Boy,
I didn't make the connection, untill this morning, as to why I had such a terrible evening last night. Yesterday was Feb 1, 2007.
There are so very many things about this month... You were born, we got to meet you, I got to call you Mr. Twinkle Toes. Then you went on. I miss you, every day. I'm trying so hard to get better, for myself, for Daddy, for you, but its hard. I can't believe its been almost one year. I wanted to live better and stronger for you, but I havn't quite got there yet. I'm going to keep on trying though Baby Boy. Because just like Daddy wrote in your tribute
You tought us how to not give up, How to have hope, How to Love.
Thank You
I love you to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Arnold

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure had a good cry last night... Arnold passed away at about 12:17 am, in my hands. I held him all night, and thought about how I held you.
I know Arnold found his way to you. I told him to find you, and you'd have apples waiting for him (they are his favourite)
I wonder what your favourite food would have been... would you be like me and love anything pasta, or like Daddy and like all sorts of stuff...
I miss you so much, my stomach hurts again. I love you, to the moon and back. Have fun with Arnold. I love him too.
Love Momma

One foot in frount of the other...

Hi Baby Boy,
I figured I'd post a note, I know you've been watching over the events of this week, and know that I am going to be ok.
For others who may pop by to read, I've had a rotten week. I had a big set back, and am now on another 2 week leave from work, likely though it will be extended longer, and I'll hopefully get involved in a treatment program at the hospital for managing depression and anxiety.
I wish I knew why this happens, I was doing great at work. I know you were proud of me Jack, taking that new training and everything. Now I feel like I've really dissapointed everyone, again.
All I can do is keep trying to put one foot in frount of the other.
My hamster Arnold is really ill. It's time I think that he is going to pass away soon. I hope you'll be waiting for him Jack, you can have your very own pet! I would have given you any pet you wanted. Arnold is very lovely, I know when he is ready to meet you, you'll take good care of him. He really loves apples!
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes. To the Moon and Back. I miss you.
Love
Momma

A new year

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure was thinking about you last night. Did you see me twirl around outside in my "snow globe" ? It was snowing, just like when you were in my belly. I immagined that you were watching me, and that it would make you so happy to see me dancing in the snow. It got me thinking that if I could do that, and feel you that close to me, I would still feel you that close to me if I weighed a lot less, and so, today, I signed up for the weight watchers at work program, and I'm really going to start taking better care of myself. I owe that to you, to your daddy, and to myself.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, and want you back. I will feel that for the rest of my life. I love you to the moon and back my Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love
Momma

New Years Eve 2006

Hi Jack

It's your DAD

Well it's New Years 2006 and it sure has been quite a year eh? This time last year your Momma and I were so excited because you were in her belly and we couldn't wait to meet you. I remember we just sat at home and watched T.V. and thought that this year we would have you with us. Well that didn't work out, sure you are here with us in spirit but not in body.

I keep saying to everyone that I don't have anything to celebrate and that 2006 was probably the worst year of my life, but since yesterday I have been thinking, it wasn't all that bad, your Momma and I got to meet you, and hold you and love you, that was the best gift of all.

I also wanted to take a sec to thank you for the no snow at X-Mas(I know that was you)

Your Puppy Champs gives you at Bark and says hi

And rememebr I will love you forever and ever and Always

Dad

Evenings

The time of day I miss you most Baby Boy. Especially tonight, Christmas eve.
Grandma and Grandpa W came up today for lunch, and we all took Champ for a walk to your spot, it was all I could do to not cry all day.
I wish you were here. I'd show you the moon in the sky, and all the stars shining. I know that's you up there though. You'd be the brightest star of all for me to see.
I love you Baby Boy. To the Moon and Back.
Merry Christmas Eve
Love,
Momma

No X-mas Here

Hi Buddy

Dad Here

Well only a couple of days until everyone else celebrates X-mas. I really didn't want anything to do with it this year, just driving around and seeing all of the stupid lights, people with trees tied to the tops of their cars, and all of that crap. I guess the 2 things that I miss the most this year are, I was goona take you to see Santa Clause at the mall, all I wanted was a stupid picture of you on Santa's lap, is that too much?, then I wanted someone to give us an ornament for the tree that said "Baby's 1st X-mas", everyone else has gotten one, this was our turn eh buddy?

If it makes you feel better I ate your Mommas Chocolate letter:)

Well I should get a move on and get supper started for your Momma before I go and pick her up(I got side tracked talking to your Uncle Tom)

Love ya Buddy

Dad

"Tis the Season

Hi Baby Boy, its almost Christmas. 4 more sleeps we would have said. Today we got our chocolate letters from your great grandma Cornelisse. It is a family tradion in the dutch culture that all the children and grandchildren get the initial of their first name in a chocolate letter. Since last christmas, when I was pregnant, I was so excited for your first christmas, you would get your first letter chocolate. I wish my chocolate letter didn't come. I don't want mine without you.
I miss you baby boy. I want you back.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Daddy's Birthday

Hi Baby Boy,
Saturday was Daddy's birthday, and today we all went out for lunch. Grandma and Grandpa W, Auntie Sarah, Uncle Al, and Nolan...
But you wern't there, and Daddy and I sure felt it. You should have been here with us, and when Daddy says he wished you could be here, part of my heart breaks a little more. I don't understand why you arn't here, why you can't be here, and I will always think I should have been able do something more, or better to keep you. I'm so sorry to your Daddy, and to you. I know that no matter how hard I wish, I can't wish you back here, so I'll tell you, every day and every night that I love you. To the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Along for the ride

I know you're always with me Baby Boy, What did you think of this ride? Who would have thought a guard rail would take out our car... Thank you for being my angel and keeping me safe from harm. It could have been a lot worse. No one else involved and I walked away without a scratch. I'm sorry I let you see my temper though when I kicked the side of the door, it made me feel better.
I love you, to the moon and back
Love Momma

Ups, Down's and a comfy spot

Hi my Baby Boy.

Yesterday felt like I'd just realized you wern't here all over again.
I miss you so much. I felt a combination of raw terror, anger, and pain that you wern't here, mixed with a healthy dose of complete emptyness. It was a very scary place for me to be. I could only curl up and cry.
I did find a place to curl up in though. Right in the corner of the room, beside your dresser. There I could just let it all out and scream and cry. Just when I thought there couldn't be a tear left, a new wave would crash into me, and it would come tearing out of me again.
And then, your Daddy came home. I felt like I'd been saved. He held me up.
And today, he got me up, and I went into work. I had an Ok day. I was exhausted. My stomach still hurts I miss you so much. But I know you would want to see me smile, so I will keep on going on.
I love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy...
Love Momma

No Parade this year

Hi Buddy

Today is the day for Orillia's Sant Clause Parade. Your Momma and I aren't going this year. We went last year when you were in your Momma's tummy, we has such a good time with your cousin's, and I remember thinking how much fun next year was going to be when you were born and able to be there with us, all wrapped up and waiting for Santa to go by and wave at you. That's not gonna happen. I want nothing to do with the parade at all, I actually want nothing to do with X-Mas either, no gifts , no decorations, nothing. And most people understand what we are going through, and to the ones that don't , well that's to bad for them, it's just one year.

Instead your Momma and I took your puppy Champ out for a walk to your spot today. It was so cold and breezy, but your Momma and I were so toasty warm just thinking about you.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Sometimes

Sometimes Baby Boy, I feel this scream welling up in me from a depths of my soul that I didn't know can possibly exist.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm in quicksand, and if I move, I'll sink even faster.
Sometimes, I'm so tired of barly moving, I just want to stop, and sink.
Sometimes, I miss you so much, I don't know how to carry on.
Sometimes, I'm sure I'm going completly crazy.
Sometimes though, I can feel a bit of sunshine on my face, and the breeze on my cheek feels like you.
Sometimes, I feel like dancing for you.
Sometimes, I believe I'll be Ok.
All of the time, I love your Daddy.
All of the time, I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love, Momma

This is the poem I wrote, a few months after Jack passed away. I feel a little better all the time. I know that Jack, you are watching Daddy and I chase after Champ, and you're laughing arn't you?

Love Momma

A day for you

Yesterday was the memorial tribute to all the babies that passed away at Sick Kids Hospital. I'm sure you remember everyone there, who helped you, and who continue to help Daddy and I.
Your picture and name was on a great big screen for everyone to see. You are so beautiful Baby Boy, everyone said so. When your name was said, I walked up and placed an ornament on the Tree of Life. It is a little tear dropped shaped crystal. I put it on the highest branch, so it would be closer to you (although Lori had to help bend it down so I could put it on) and then, I read my poem for you.
After that, we got to do an activity called "Message in a bottle". I picked differnt things that reminded me of you, and included the letter's K, J, and J. It was very special, and I am so very glad I went. I love you, to the moon and back Baby Boy. I miss you.
Love
Momma

Champ and I went for a walk today

Hi Buddy

Dad here. Did you see Champ and I today? we went for a walk out to your spot at the park. We had so much fun just walkin' and talkin'. I showed him were we let you go and hang out. Here are some pictures of Champ there. It sure looks different out there eh? with no leaves and cold, but you know what? it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's still your spot.

Your Momma wasn't with us today because as you know she was in Toronto at the sick kids hospital to visit everyone and say the beautiful poem that she wrote (I'm sure she will tell you all of the details later).

Take Care buddy

Love DAD

Right Time

Hi Baby Boy,
You sure must have set things up tonight... I'd called Mel to invite her to the memorial service at the hospital next Sunday, and when she picked up the phone she said "it's you isn't it Karen". Hi Mel I say, and she starts crying... See Mel and her friends were playing pool, and they take turns naming the 8 ball. So her friend names the ball Jackson, and just then Momma's and Mel's favourite song starts playing on the radio, and thats just when I called Mel, about the service next Sunday...
Thank You Mr. Twinkle Toes. I know you want to see us there together.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love
Momma

Thanks Buddy

Hi Buddy

I just wanted to thank you for being there today when I got my new Tattoo. If you don't know already it was for you, it actually has your name in it. I could see you sitting outside the window and telling me to "Rock On! Daddy".

Love ya Buddy

Dad

First Snow

Hi Baby Boy, I'm sure that was you dancing with all the snowflakes in the sky tonight. Do you remember being in my belly last winter, when I used to look up at the sky when it snowed... I always said "it feels like we're in a snow globe" and Daddy would shake his head and smile at me. I miss you so much tonight. I would have bundled you up and taken you outside to see your first snow fall. I'm so glad we have Champ right now. I think that makes you happy too, because I got to go outside and look up at the snow, and I told Champ all about you.
I love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.
Love Momma

1st Snowfall of the year

Hi Buddy

Dad here. Well as you've probably already seen tonight we had our 1st snowfall for the season.

It was kinda fun because it's Champs 1st snow, but after we settled down a bit I realized this would have been your 1st snowfall. I wanted so much to take you for walks in the snow, pull you on a sleigh, and build a snowman. I know that your probably out there right now getting all wet and makin' snow angels.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Ups and Downs

Hi Baby Boy,
I was sure upset when I wrote last, and earlier today with my own longwindingroad letters... but I'm feeling better.
I know I didn't fail you, not when you were born, not when you left, and not the other day.
I just look at the picture of you in my arms, and I try to remember how I felt holding you, and I can't. I still don't know where you've gone. I suppose I'm not ment to know right now, but I wish I knew. I just want to know if you are happy, and warm, and snuggly. Is someone reading stories to you, and singing to you? Put in a request for Prince "raspberry beret" its my favourite song. I'd have sung it to you all the time.
I love you, to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

I'm sorry

My Baby Boy, The other day I saw a man smoking in his car. All the windows were rolled up because it was raining, and there was a baby in the back seat.
I was so angry. I was so heart broken, and sick. I wanted to bang on his window and yell at him, show him your picture and ask him what right in hell he has to do that with a baby in the car when I have never done anything like that, and I don't have you.
But I couldn't move. I just stood there and started crying. I should have said something. I should have somehow avenged you Baby Boy, but I didn't. And I feel like I've failed you all over again.
I'm so sorry.
Momma

Happy # 4

Hi Baby Boy, I know you're smiling today. It is my and Daddy's fourth wedding anniversary. Grandma and Grandpa W. called and sang us the traditional Happy Anniversary song, and Daddy and I had a really nice dinner out.
Tomorrow night we are going to a concert, to see Sarah Harmer. I love That Daddy of yours, so very much. After you left, I swore I'd never do anything ever again, never feel anything again. Time has gone on, and its nice, and I know you'd be happy that we are going out to a concert, and we are looking forward to it.
I love you so much Baby Boy, To the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

Welcome home Champ

Hi Buddy

As you have already saw your Momma and I brought home a new puppy yesterday, his name is Champ.

He is only 7 weeks old, he is a Yellow Lab and he is a really good puppy. I hop you don't mind Jack but he is going to live in your room. I know by putting him in there you can look out for him when your Momma and I aren't home (and you to can get into some mischeif also).

One thing that bothered me about getting Champ was that I felt like I was replacing you in some way, but I know that could never happen, your always my little boy:), and I know that egtting Champ will help your Momma and I heal.

Here's some more pictures of Champ

Take Care Buddy

Love Dad

Who am I vs. Who I am

Hi Baby Boy,
As you can see from all the letters past, I've been quite up and down. Maybe its the new glasses that's making me think more, I know you're Daddys son and saying I think too much, but I really feel like I'm split within my body. Part of me knows who I am. Who I've always been. Who I was while pregnant with you. But I look in the mirror, into my own eyes, and I don't know myself anymore. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a wide open field, part of me way over there, another me way off to the other side. I just don't know who I am anymore.
So I got thinking, well if I don't know who I really am, maybe now is the perfect time to be the kind of person I always wanted to be, because I know who that would be.
I would be right into a regular Yoga practice, jogging, and lifting weights regularly. I would be eating a very healthy near vegetarian diet (because I don't know if I could forever give up my filet mignion- however its spelt and marlot wine!)
I guess I would be more the old me, who exercised regularly, was confident, secure, and Happy.
Its like Deb said though, "Nothing Changes if Nothing is Changed"
Shes one smart lady.
I love you, to the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love
Momma

Momma's got 4 eyes

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I saw the first snow flakes of the season today. I thought of you dancing away up there while they fall around you. My most favourite thing is to stand in the middle of the area and watch the snow flakes fall at night and dance (much to your daddys amusment- its a good thing he loves me) I also got glasses. I picked out the coolest pair they had, so what do you think? I was suprised, even Daddy said he likes them!
I love you.
Momma

A Magical Morning

Hi Baby Boy, I'm sure you were watching the excitment this morning. Can you believe this was right outside our frount door! Poor Daddy, I scared him silly again when I screamed. I was just so excited. I've never seen deer in our yard, let alone 2. And they just hung around for about 10 minutes, even when Daddy took these pictures outside.
I love you with all my heart Baby Boy, to the moon and back.
Love Momma

That Daddy of Yours

Hi My Baby Boy,
I know you're watching over your Daddy, He has some nerve doesn't he, saying I'm loud :)
I know you're laughing out loud with me.
While we were walking today I found a rock, and it made me think of you, I wanted to bring it home, to hold it forever, but like you Mr. Twinkle Toes, It isn't meant to be held onto. I sent you all my love and threw that rock as far as I could into the Lake. It made a big splash, and I knew that was the right thing to do. I miss you.
Thank you to your Daddy, I had such a wonderful day. I'm tired now, after all the fresh air driving around, so I'm off to bed.
Sweet Dreams Mr. Twinkle Toes. You're probebly dancing in the water from that big splash.
I love you, to the moon and back
Love
Momma

A really nice Sunday Drive

Hi Buddy

Dad Here

Your Momma and I had a good day today. As you saw we went for breakfast(Our new favorite spot the Sunshine Cafe) and then we went for a nice looong drive (Wow Jack your Momma sure is loud, she will know what i'm talking about hehehe) and took lots of nice pictures. The colors sure were beautiful and the sun sure was shining and bright. Here are some of the pictures:

Your Momma and I were just not ready to have the big family Thanksgiving dinner with everyone today. I know that everyone understands what we have been through and what we are still going through and when the time is ready we will be back.

The next big holiday is Christmas and I don't know about your Momma but I'm telling you right now buddy I'm not having anything to do with it this year.

Well I should go

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Pictures and a walk for you

Hi Baby Boy, Did you see me walking down the road today? I took all these pictures to show our friends how beautiful Huronia Rd. is in the fall. I thought of you every step of the way. I thought of how much I miss you. I would have had you already throwing the leaves around. The last picture is one little leaf I saw on the path, and it made me think of the poem on our card that said "blow little leaf to a beautiful someplace" and it made me think of you. I love you, to the moon and back.
Love Momma

A walk to remember

Hi Baby Boy, Today Daddy and I ended up going to Toronto for the P.B.S.O Walk to Remember at Mount Pleasant Cemetary. There was Lori and Kelly and lots of other mommys and daddys. I even stood up and read your poem, yep, thats me!

I didn't even cry (untill the other mommy read her poem, it broke my heart and made me miss you even more) Grandma W even got up to say your name!
After everyone had a chance to say a few words, there was a dove release, Daddy got this beautiful picture as the doves flew free. It made me think of you flying free. I know I have to carry on, and I know I'll be happy again one day, but there is always going to be a place in my heart where you are, just for you Mr. Twinkle Toes. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Thinking of You

How are you Baby Boy? Today I got an invetation in the mail from Lori, at Sick Kids Hospital to attend the Remeberance ceremony. I'm going to see your name and picture on a big screen, and when your name shows, I get to walk up with Daddy to put a memento on the special tree where you will be remembered. It is a very special service and I am really excited to go. Its not untill Nov. so a little bit away. I wanted to put up a picture of the Morning Glory flower, I know you can see how big they've grown.
I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

I miss you

Hi Baby Boy,
It's sure been a rough week around here... I'm so tired, and everyone is worried about me, and I've been worried about myself. I have a great team of family, friends and doctors though, so I don't want you to worry about me too Ok?
Daddy went out with Uncle Paul tonight. I was so glad that he took a break for the evening. I'm sure its tiring looking after me. I think though that I am going to quit trying to keep a journal, I need to just move my feet instead of my mind (because your Daddy always says I think too much)
I'm just babbling on tonight. I miss you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes. I don't want another baby. I want you. I hate that I can't have you. But I have your Daddy, and I need him. I love you both, to the Moon and Back
Love, Momma

P.B.S.O. Fun Walk

Hi Buddy

Well as you saw today your Momma and I with some other really terrific people all got together and raised some money for a really improtant cause and had some fun at the same time. You know your Momma goes to a group to talk about you and her feelings with some other people who's little babies also have left them to live where you are right now, the group is called PBSO. I can't begin to tell you how thankfull I am for this group, it has helped you Momma out so much. Here's you Momma at the park:

I think the most important thing about today for your Momma was getting to meet Lori, here's a great picture of the both of them:

Since you left us Buddy Lori has been such a help to your Momma and I with her kind words of hope and encouragement, we do not know where to begin to express our thanks to her, I guess all we can say is, Thanks Lori:) and it was so nice seeing you again today.

Your Momma and I were the last ones in from the walk, but we didn't care. The day was about us and you and just enjoying our time together, because I know that's what you would have wanted us to do.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

7

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I hope I havn't scared you this week. I've done a good job scaring myself and your Daddy though. I've had a really rough week, and I'm so sad, and I miss you so much. I hate that no matter how hard I wish I know I can't have you back. It was 7 months ago today that I had you. You were born at 3:17 am. You passed away at 4:47 pm, 7 months ago tomorrow. My most favorite song from Prince is 7... and the number 7 represents a confermation that you're on the right path. That is too funny, since I can't see where I'm walking right now, let alone be walking along a path. I'll just keep trusting that sooner or later I'll know what it is I'm supposed to know.
On Saturday Daddy and I are going to the walk for P.B.S.O, and I'll get to see Lori there. I'm really looking forward to it, and your Uncle Al, Auntie Sarah and cousins Nolan and Aidan will be there too. I'll be sure to get that Daddy of yours to take lots of pictures.
I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy
Love Momma

Family

Hi Baby Boy, I'm getting tired after a busy day. Daddy and I drove to Toronto and saw your cousins Nolan and Aidan this morning. They are getting so big! Nolan can count to 10, and Aidan is starting to crawl. I wondered a lot today, if you were here, if youd be as big as Aidan, if you'd be trying to crawl, or if you'd just sit back and let everyone do eveything for you... I love seeing our family, but it makes me miss you so much. Sometimes its hard to come home to Stanley the cat, and Arnold (our hamster) because I'd rather have you. I'm trying to get better, I'm starting a new exercise tomorrow called Iron Yoga. Its yoga poses with free weights. Its time for me to come back, I know I've been saying that for a while, but this time I'm going to try even harder.
I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes. You give me strength everyday.
Love Momma

Suprises

Good Morning Baby Boy... I wonder if you sleep as snug as a bug where you are. I'll never forget the one ultrasound I had, you were on your belly with your arms and legs tucked under your body. It was such a peaceful picture, you looked so cozy. I was so moved by the picture, I didn't have time to ask the technition to take a picture, and the moment passed, you streched out your little legs and began rolling about. That moment though is forever in my heart.
The suprises around here is that wonderfully crazy Grandma Townes of yours... She's gone and gotten her nose pierced, along with the top of her ear, like Momma's, I think to go along with the tatto she got on her back!!!
Your Grandma Townes wanted you, I think as much as your Daddy and I. She is so sad that she can't take you to the park to play. She wanted to show you how to skip rocks in the water, and look at the ducks... We all miss you Baby Boy. We all love you.
But I Love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love,
Momma

Sunday's with Daddy

Hi Baby Boy. Maybe thats you stiring up all the wind so I can see the leaves starting to blow. Fall is my favorite season, especially when the wind blows. Since Daddy started his new job, and I work Saturday's again, Sunday is the only full day we have together. It works well, that is the day I look forward to the most, and Daddy and I try to get out and do things on Sundays. This weekend we went to the Orillia Fall Fair. I wished you could have been with us, I'd have shown you the horses first. I love horses. I'm glad that Daddy takes me out, and we can still enjoy getting out and doing things. We would have taken you to all of these things too.
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes. I'll get Daddy to post a couple of pictures of us at the fair (I think we look pretty good together don't you? after all, We're where you got your good looks from!)
Love Momma

Wish you were here

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I'm sure missing you these days. I look around and wonder where you are. I know you're not here, with Daddy and I the way you should be, but are you that little white butterfly I see in the mornings? are you the breeze that comes up from nowhere and blows my hair around? I wish I could see you, and hear from you where you are, and how you are.
I had one really rough day at work this week, and stayed home to rest the next day, but for the most part, time keeps on going on, and I'm seeming to just roll along with it. Sometimes lately though, I've been singing along to the song in my head, and I smile. I think you'd be cheering me on, while Daddy looks at me and shakes his head (Thanks to Grandpa W. for teaching Daddy the fine art of "Yes Dear")
I love you Baby Boy. I wish you were here.
Love Momma

Summers Over

Well buddy the summers pretty much over and the kids go back to school next week and I guess that means that your old Dad will have to start wearing socks on the weekends again:(

Your Grandma and Grandpa W and your cousin Nolan were up to see us for a visit today. As you probably saw Nolan sure loved to play with the big exercise ball we have in your room (He has a laugh that I imagine your would have sounded alot like). We went to the park and Nolan and Grandpa and your Momma went on a train ride, I think your Grandpa had the most fun.

Here's a picture of me and your Momma and your big cousin Nolan:

I just got thinking tonight it's 2 months until I get my big tattoo on my arm for you. I don't know if I have told you already, but it's gonna be a large bird called a phoenix, it is a mythical sacred firebird that rises from the ashes to live again, that is how I saw you when you were first born, you came out of your momma near death and you fought the fight, you rose from near death to be able to live long enough to open your eyes and see your momma and me, this tattoo is for you my Jack.

It's getting late buddy, I love you for ever and ever always:)

Dad

Sweet Dreams

Hi Baby Boy, I wonder if where you are, you go to sleep and dream. I wonder if when you dream, you see as clearly in your dreams as I do.
I had a dream last night, there was a snake moving along, and it looked at me, and then I stood up straight and tall and I strarted to step out of myself. It was just like when a nnake sheds its skin. When I stepped out of my old body, I was skinny again, and in shape.
At first I was really upset when I woke up. But then I thought that maybe it was you reaching me through my dreams and telling me that it's ok, and time to let go of my extra weight and belly, that doesn' mean I'm letting go of you.
I'm going to do well this week, eat healthy and keep walking. Every step I take makes me think of getting stronger and healthier, for you, I want you to see me and smile, and know that your Momma is doing Ok.
I love you to the moon and back my Baby Boy.
Sweet Dreams
Love Momma

Busy Days

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I feel horrible that I havn't sat down to write to you for so long.
Not a moment goes by though, that you're not with me and all around me.
This whole working full time- full days takes a lot more out of me than I realized. Its a good day at work almost every day, but come 5:30 I'm done for. I'm exhausted. The best feeling of all is that Daddy is there waiting to pick me up and drive me home. I know in time it will all get easier, but you know what, missing you isn't any easier. I still miss you so much I feel sick, and I still look at a picture of you and wonder where you are.
I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy. Sweet Dreams,
Love Momma

To My Grandson:

Today it is 6 months since you left your Mom and Dad and us and it seems like a lifetime ago. I know your Mom and Dad are struggling with each day and today has been pretty hard, probably harder than most but who can judge the sense of pain. Its a double whammy that Colleen and Glenn had their baby Charlie.

I think of you often, especially when I see your cousin Aidan and feel like you should be here to play with and hug, but there's no rhyme nor reason to life and crap happens - more to some people than others - but you deal with what you get.

I wish I could make the pain go away but I can't, I can only believe it will get easier to bear with time and hope that it happens sooner than later.

Love from your Grandma.

Sunshine kisses

Hi Baby Boy,

It's been 6 months today since you carried on your journey. I hate that you can't be with us. I still feel like you should be in my belly, since you're not there, you should be in my arms...

I'll bet you were sending me all that sunshine today, to let me know you are always around me, and today especially since Colleen and Glenn had their baby boy Charlie. Thank you for watching over them, and helping Charlie come into this world to be with Glenn and Colleen.

I love you to the moon and back My Baby Boy, always have, always will.

Love Momma

Just thinkin'

Hey Buddy

I always tell your Momma that too much thinkin' just gets her into trouble, but today it was my turn. Today you would have been 6 months old, a half a year old. I just have to look at pictures of your cousin Aiden to see how big you would have been(I bet you would have been bigger because you had my genes). Would you have been crawling? No, I think you would have already been running laps around all the other babies:) People say to move on but it's hard, I know I don't say it enough but I miss you so much, if I could just hold you in my arms again.

Love ya Jack

Dad

Time moves on

Hi Baby Boy. I can't believe tomorrow it will be 6 months ago that I had you. I don't know how so much time has gone by. The past 6 months feels like I've just been thrown into the ocean. At first the waves pounded me into the rocks, I was exhausted, in more pain than I thought I could live with, and then when I thought I was ready for death myself, the waves pulled me out, just a little bit. I rode the waves up and down, completly unaware of what was hapening, inside of myself and around me, and then, next thing I know, its slowed down, just enough that I start to see around me, before I'm pulled off again. Now, 6 months along, and the waves are more predictable, going up and down, I can see when a big wave is comming, and sometimes even brace myself for it.
I do know that no matter how much time goes by, no matter where I go, I will never stop missing you Mr. Twinkle Toes, or wishing that I could have you back to dance with me.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

I Rock

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I've had a great experience getting back to work full days. Ok, today is only day 2, but it does feel really good. So, I've been walking around like I'm oh so cool, and my saying is guess who rocks... I do, you'd better believe it Baby Boy. On my first full day back, my first evaluation from call monitoring was 100 % and on the same day, I had a customer ask to speak to my supervisor, as she wanted to say how happy she was with my customer service skills and how great I was. So I figure (as happy as Daddy is to hear it) I rock. I have earned the right to stand up and say that han't I !!!
I love you to the moon and back, Thank You for all the storm clouds that have been watching over me yesterday and today.
Love Momma

New directions

Hi Buddy

Thanks for all of the positive vibes you sent me yesterday at my first day of my new job. It's pretty scary to start something new this late in the game, but knowing that I have your Momma right behind me supporting me makes it a whole lot easier.

Your Momma starts back to work full-time today, and I know she'll do just fine. She loves her job and what she does so she just has to take a deep breath if she starts to get overwhelmed and she will make it through the day.

Well I better go and get ready for work :)

Love ya Jack

Dad

Monday's and Thank You's

HI Baby Boy,
Daddy sure had a good day today didn't he. I am so proud of him, and it was so nice to see Daddy come home feeling relaxed, and having enjoyed his day. What a way to start the week.
My doctor's appointments all went well, and I am ready to take on a full day at work tomorrow.
I'd like to take a minute for you Mr. Twinkle Toes, because I don't think I've really introduced you to some truly magical people who've made a difference in my life. So I'd like to introduce (all in equal value with love) Catch, Chayna, Mimi, Cindy, Lori, and Butterflies. These women stop by everyday, and continue to leave such kind, supportive words, and reminders that I can see you everyday, and feel you in my heart. A thank you to these women, for they have helped me mend my broken heart a lot more, and helped me heal more than they will ever know.
I know you'll watch over these wonderful women too.
I love you Baby Boy.
Love Momma

Turning Corners

Hi Baby Boy, I hope you are snuggled in for the night. Daddy and I had a busy day, and are tired tonight. Tomorrow is Daddy's first day at the new job, and Tuesday I start full days again. As time goes on, its getting easier to turn each corner, but it is still scary. No matter what we expect to happen, it could always be different... Sometimes it feels like the more time that passes, the farther away from you I am. A thank you to Cindy, who reminded me the other day that you are only a thought away.
Here is something that Shakespeare wrote, many many moons ago, yet still very true this moment.

Off then with the old. The decay, and the mouldering mustiness of this shapeless mass:
On then with the eternal vastness of an unfettered spirit-
A being of such freedom, As moving seems apart, Even from reality And projects the immage Of eternal hope
Into the tiniest gem or dewdrop.
Cupped within a blossom rare.

I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy. Be with Daddy tomorrow Ok? I know you will be.
Love Momma

Changes

Hi Baby Boy, I sure have been thinking about you this afternoon. Daddy's getting ready to start his new job on Monday, and Tuesday I start working full time again. As much as I'd like to be home every afternoon, its not good for me anymore. If you were here, I'd tell you all the time how much I love your Daddy, and how proud of him I am. I know that you can see that though. You know. You also know how proud I am that I got to have you. You are perfect Mr. Twinkle Toes, just too darn good for this lifetime with us. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Family Visits

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I sure had a nice suprise this afternoon... My Aunt Lynda called,and her and Stephen (her husband) came to visit this evening! I always love seeing Aunt Lynda, She is wonderful, and makes me feel like I am doing everything right in my life. She was so happy to see where Daddy I live, and I was as happy to have her here. I got to show her the video's of you, and our pictures. It was very special.
I love you to the moon and back. I wish you could be here to meet your family, but I know you felt them all through my belly.
Good Night Baby Boy. I'll see you in my dreams
Love Momma

Your Cousin is Amazing

Hi Buddy

Sorry I have posted for a bit. Your Momma and I went for a ride today to Collingwood to see your Uncle Tom and Aunt Tara and your cousins Stew, Luke and Ethan. We had a great time hanging with everyone and catching up. Just before we left your Momma took your cousin Stew aside and told him how we proud of him we are and how grown up he is becoming, he then said he had something for us. He did this amazing picture of you from the picture that they have of you hanging in their house. Words cannot describe how we felt when he gave us the picture, he's one Amazing kid, you would have really had fun hanging with him. We are going to put it in a frame and hang it up so everyone can see.

Well i'm off

Love ya Bud

Dad

Momma's kick...

Hi Baby Boy, There's been a lot of kicking of Momma's you know what lately. Lots of thinking on my part, and finally, a really cool shirt for $5.00 and pants for $1.00. Do these rock or what? (yes, I am your Momma baby boy, and your Daddy's son, so you're probebly shaking your head at me too) It's Ok. Yhe shirt and pants are too small, so that is motivation for me to really get moving. I havn't had any coke for 2 days now, and as much as I miss my pop, I have finally concluded that my life is worth so much more than a bottle of pop. So just you wait. I'm going to get into that shirt and pants, and maybe go dancing with Mel for Old Times Sake...
I love you to the moon and back. Do you want to come dance with me Mr. Twinkle Toes?
Love Momma

Past time...

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes
So many letters have been written about how I want to get better, feel better, live better. Day after Day I have continued to make all the wrong choices, I know full well to punish myself. I'm so tired of everything thats not working for me. Then I heard this in my heart, was it you talking to me?

"It's past time to let the happy, healthy, active Karen out of her prision. There is no sentance to serve, she is free"

Time to poke my head out above the sand, blink to adjust my eyes to the sun, stretch my body and move, slowly but surely, one step at a time.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Sometimes

Sometimes Baby Boy, I feel this scream welling up in me from a depths of my soul that I didn't know can possibly exist.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm in quicksand, and if I move, I'll sink even faster.
Sometimes, I'm so tired of barly moving, I just want to stop, and sink.
Sometimes, I miss you so much, I don't know how to carry on.
Sometimes, I'm sure I'm going completly crazy.
Sometimes though, I can feel a bit of sunshine on my face, and the breeze on my cheek feels like you.
Sometimes, I feel like dancing for you.
Sometimes, I believe I'll be Ok.
All of the time, I love your Daddy.
All of the time, I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love, Momma

Home Again

Hi Baby Boy,
Thank you for sending Daddy that thunderstorm yesterday. I missed him so much while I was away. Everything went well though. I was so glad I stayed and saw everyone at the baby shower for Colleen. She looks so beautiful with her baby boy in her belly. While I was driving home, I was thinking about seeing your room without your crib, and I got so sad. I started crying, but then I couldn't. Prince's song Raspberry Beret came on, and I know that was from you to tell me that you are with me too, always. So I wiped away my tears and turned up the song and danced away. I thought that I was on my home to see your Daddy, and that made me smile. I love that Daddy of yours, and am so glad that we are holding onto eachother. I know you'd want it that way.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Putting your crib away

Hi Jack

Today was a pretty hard day for me. I decided to put your crib away in the storage room. I'm sorry buddy, when I first assembled it for you I thought the next time I would be taking it down would be when you were to big for it and ready for a "Big Boy" bed, I was wrong. I know that was you giving us the thundershower just as I was about to take it apart, I didn't know if you were trying to say to me please don't take it down, or you were saying it's alright Dad you can take it down, your Momma phoned about that time and she says it was most likely the latter.

I got thinking today, if there was one thing I could do it would be to have you here with us and have you call me Dad, that's the one thing that really hurts.

Your Momma got down to Toronto O.K. today and she had a good meeting with the doctor.

I should go and have my dinner

Love ya Bud

Dad

Baby Showers

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I hope you're dancing away in a water sprinkler keeping cool today.
I had such a nice suprise... Heather invited me to Colleen's baby shower this Sunday. I was very touched that she called me to invite me personally and to talk rather than just put a card in the mail given everything. I told her I was nervous, goofy thoughts that maybe people would think I was bringing to much saddness and I shouldn't be there, but Heather said that eveyone is really hoping that I'll be able to make it as they all miss me and want me there, especially Colleen. It meant so much that Heather said that I am still all of thier friend, and they are not going to stop inviting me to join in celebrations, even if it is too difficult for me to be there, they understand, but are not going to make any assumptions, they'll keep putting out the invitations. I am planning on going. Colleen is my friend, and I am happy for her. Even if I only stay a short while. I love you Baby Boy. I wish you could have come home to see all of the presents for you that we have. Maybe you come in the night and play away...
Love Momma

Poems

Hi Baby Boy, so many people sure do love your tattoo, and what it means, so I thought I would share the poem that inspired the idea...

Grow little flower, reach for the light, Your sweet little spirit forever will bloom.
Glow little star, tucked into the heaven's, cradled with care in the curve of the moon.
Blow little leaf, to a beautiful someplace, safe in the sheltering arms of a breeze.
Know little one, you'll always be with us, forever held close in our love's memories.

I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love, Momma

For My Baby Boy

Well I know by now, you and everyone has seen my new tattoo, so what do you think of your crazy Momma?
There are so many meanings in such a small symbol... The leaf is drawn from an Ash Tree, which is your Nature sprirt, and represents connections between 2 worlds and always comming back to yourself. The colour green (yes, for the obvious its a leaf) also because it is the colour of re-birth and growth, it is placed on my arm, wrist in particular to remind me to always embrace life, and instead of getting a plain old stem, It is a letter "J" I figured Mr. Twinkle Toes would be too long. What a very emotional powerful afternoon. As Daddy and I were leaving, there was a big rainbow over the lake. I have no doubt you were sliding down it saying Hi Momma. Did you hear me say " I love you Baby Boy"? I feel good having this for you. Like I can let go a little more, and know that you will still always be with me.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

The Tattoo

Well Karen got her new Tattoo Today! I must say that it's amazing, for something so tiny it gives off alot of energy. All it took was 15 minutes but it was so worth it just for the look on Karen's face. I'm sure Karen will post her own version of the afternoon but I just wanted to get a pic of it up so everyone could see.

Were Back

Wow! That was freakin' me out, I don't know what happened but everything except for the pic was gone. Thanks to the good people on the Blogger Help group all I had to do was republish the entire Blog and it's all fixed up :)

14 hours...

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
Its so late, and again I can't sleep. Only 14 hours to go and I'll be getting my little leaf tattoo for you. I am so excited, Grandma W is comming up to be with me (and you know how insane that is for Grandma W to do) Grandpa W is still grrrring over it, and Uncle Al is shaking his head while Auntie Sarah is cheering me on... Daddy of course is happy for me... he knows how much this means to me. There will be lots of pictues to show tomorrow night. Sweet Dreams Baby Boy, I know you'll be with me tomorrow.
I love you, to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Satuday Afternoons

Hi My Baby Boy,

Daddy and I have had quite the day today. I've been focusing on what Deb talked about, how before I had you, Daddy and I were a couple, and I should look at that again, that we are still a couple. first and foremost. That is never going to make me forget you for a second, but Deb is right. I am so very thankfull that Joe and I are together and I know you would want us to stay happily together (even when I drive Daddy crazy because the t/v is too loud, or I make a mess making ricekrispie squares, and he makes me mad because he teases me so much we both get so goofy that all we can do is laugh)

Daddy and I have spent the whole afternoon watching movies curled up on the couch, just enjoying being together... It is a perfect afternoon...

At the farmers market today I got this doll because it made me smile. The card says "A fearless band of teeny tiny helpers, aiding and abetting happiness one itty bitty detail at a time" This doll is one of the Fearless Band, and it is so unique, ugly some may think, but even more cool to me because of it (I know you'd get it, you're my boy) So here is a picture for all to see. I'm on a quest for a perfect name... open to any ideas you may send (or anyone else out there)

I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes, every bit as much as I love your Daddy...
Love Momma

Moving Around

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I've been having a rough time this month... Lots of things moving around on me. Going back to work, meeting Doctors, on and on... I've been tired. The one thing though that keeps me going is wanting to get better to keep on living and loving your Daddy. He is everything to me. I'll never stop missing you and loving you.
Love Momma

Just Thinking

Hi Baby Boy, Its so very late, and I can't sleep. Daddy would say its because I always think to much, and he's right... I was reading a blog from Chayna, and she has had the most amazing adventure, it sounds like a dream, and it is her dream come true. My dream was to have you, and even though its not the way its supposed to be now, I did have you, I got to see you open your eyes to look at me and Daddy, and that moment was my dream come true. All the pain and sadness I have now, I wouldn't trade for a second if it means I wouldn't have had you. I love you, I loved having you in my arms, I loved seeing you in your Daddy's arms, and I loved carrying you and feeling you in my belly. I know you remember how hard I laughed the first time you kicked so hard I saw my shirt move... and when you kicked my belly every morning when Daddy woke me up for work... I treasure every moment of you Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love Momma
P.s we should both get some sleep now Mr. I've got to work in the morning!

Good Morning Sunshine

Hello Baby Boy, Did you have Sweet Dreams last night? Daddy and I spent a good while at the after hours clinic to get a note, as I'm being put back to work on my modified schedule, Monday to Friday 9 - 1. I tried the full day thing, it didn't go so well did it? I think this is a good idea. The sun is shining bright, and I slept better last night. My head and neck still hurt, but don't you worry, the doctor says its a physical reaction to stress, and to see if work will cover massage therapy. I could go for that.
Off to work in a few minutes for me. I love you so much Baby Boy. To the moon and back
Love Momma

Scenic Routes

Hi Baby Boy. I sure hit a good pot hole last night didn't I? Went flying good and landed flat on my face. Its taken the better part of all night and morning to pick myself up again. Even now I'm not sure I'm feeling so good. I miss you so much, I can't seem to figure out how to carry on happily again. I do know that I sure have a lot to be happy about. I did everything right to care for you and love you in my belly, and Daddy and I loved you the best we knew how while you were in our arms (because I know you are still with us in our hearts) and I sure love that Daddy of yours. He is the best thing in my life. Thank you for sending me that terrific storm last night. Like Daddy said, it was probebly you telling me to get up, its Ok to carry on, and I sure am trying Baby Boy, I just tend to take the scenic routes, and trip a lot along the way. But I'm not giving up, not by a long shot.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

31

Good Night My Baby Boy. Daddy made sure I had a good day, I enjoyed being married today, and am so thankful for your Daddy. I like being married to him. I wish you could have been here, I know you would have had your hands in the cake, you are your Daddys Boy. I miss you. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you to your Daddy. We'll have a cake next year Ok?
Love Momma

Happy Birthday Momma

Well ya beat me to it :)

Happy birthday to my beautiful wife

I know this year isn't exactly the Birthday that you pictured but we can just take it easy and spend the day together and enjoy being married. I know Jack is sitting their wishing you had a birthday cake so he could help blow out the candles (and get it all over his face too).

Love you with all my heart and soul

Joe

xoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S.

Here are a couple of pictures of us when we went out to your spot this morning Buddy. It was so nice out there, the wind was blowing and so was your Momma, she was blowing bubbles.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Happy Birthday

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
Its so late, I hope you're tucked in on a warm fluffy cloud dreaming sweetly. Its my birthday now. Its after midnight, I'm officially 31 years old. This time last year you were an appleseed in my belly, and I dreamt that this year for my birthday Daddy would bring you into bed with flowers for me, and we'd stay in bed and snuggle. But you're not here, and that wish can't come true, and I'm sad, so I don't want to go to sleep. I miss you so much Baby Boy, I think after a good breakfast, Daddy and I are going on a walk to your spot and I'll bring the bubbles and dandylion fluffies. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Make a Wish

Hi Baby Boy, after being so adament that I didn't want a birthday this year, I've decided that I do want something. I want to be happy and healthy. Not only for myself, but especially for your Daddy, and for you. When you had to leave us, I didn't get to promise you anything, and on my birthday you won't be here to help me blow out the candles and make a wish, so I'm going to do both now. (I can't tell you my wish or it won't come true) but I can tell you my promises. I promise you Baby Boy, to always love your Daddy, and to love you. I promise to start eating healthier and exercising regularly again. I know that you'd want to see me be a kick ass Momma, just like I would have been if you were still here. So I'm going to do that for you. Instead of getting a pop in the morning, I'm going to treat myself to a blackberry tea. Yummy. I know you'll be the good angel on my sholder helping me to make the right choices. I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes, I'll do a dance for you on my birthday.
Love Momma

Robin in the Rain

Hi Baby Boy, I hope you are having a good day. Thank you for the beautiful dark skies this morning, you know thats Daddy's kind of day. When I got home from work I took off my socks and shoes and splashed in the puddles for you. Its still raining a bit, maybe thats you joining me!
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

One Day

Good Morning Baby Boy. This morning I talked to Deb, a wonderful counsellor who is going to help me some more. We got talking about things to do, how to help me be healthier and happier again. I know that you would want to see me happy, and dancing again. We talked about how putting your clothes and toys away isn't the same as putting you away, because you will always be in my heart and soul. Your Daddy and I will do that together, go through all your baby clothes and fold them neatly in a basket to keep with your toys and books. We will also have to face taking down your crib and folding your blankets. I'm not ready to that yet... One day, but not today.
I love you Baby Boy
Love Momma

Always with us

Hi my Baby Boy. Today was such a special day, not only for the beautiful walk, but it is one year ago today I woke up and found out I was pregnant with you. I loved you to the moon and back from that moment on. This poem by Monique Blackburn sums it up.
My Angel.
I long to see you, touch you, hold you in my arms. I just long to be enveloped by your charms. Yet this will never happen while I'm here, for you have gone away my dear.
And even though your far away, I think of you with each passing day. In my heart I know that your all right, because the stars shine bright at night.
And when I look up to the sky, I still often stop and wonder why. Why was it that you had to go? This is what I want to know.
And when the awnser comes to me, you are the one that I shall see. You will show me where you've been, and everything you've done and seen.

I know you're always with us. I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes. I miss you.
Love Momma

The PBSO Charity Walk

Hi Buddy

As you saw today your Momma and I and your Grandpa and Grandma W and your Uncle Al and Aunt Sarah and your cousins Nolan and Aiden all went on a beautiful walk at the Mono Cliffs provincial park today, it was the John Dominic Kan-Hodgson Memorial Walk in support of PBSO.

We got there nice and early(I know you and I are so much alike) and the weather was perfect, it wasn't hot at all. The first part of the walk, up the really big hill and super steep stairs were pretty hard but it was worth it, the rest of the walk was amazing.

Here are some pictures of the walk:

I even made up t-shirts for your Momma and me:

They were pretty cool looking.

We had alot of fun, and the only thing missing was you Buddy, but I know that you were there in spirit.I'm pretty sure your Momma will also right something about the day so I'll end it at, I love ya Buddy

Dad

Your Daddy and I

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I was thinking this afternoon about your Daddy's and mine wedding day. It was so beautiful, and FUN. Daddy was so handsome all dressed up in a tuxedo, and I looked pretty good to if I do say so (though not as good as I looked with you in my belly)
I remember after the reception, Daddy and I stopped at Tim Hortons to get a coffee and hot chocolate for the drive to Niagra Falls, and you should have see the looks... Daddy in his tux, me in my wedding dress... Needless to say we got free coffee! We had so much fun. You know, I sure do love that Daddy of yours. Forever and ever and always.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Mariposa

Hi Jack

As you already know this weekend is the Mariposa Folk Festival, I say you know becasue they hold it at your special place , so I know your dancing around to the music and playing with the other children. From the moment we found out that Momma had you growing inside of her belly one of my first thoughts was that I couldn't wait to take you to the festival and enjoy the music and play with everyone (and of course show you off), I had seen everyone else bring their babies and I wanted so much for you to come with us also. Well it was not meant to be, and I just couldn't bring myself to go this year, but I know that you are out there enjoying it for both of us.

Thanks Buddy

This is not for you Buddy, but for everyone else:

You know, unless you have had your only child die in your arms , or you watch the woman you love wonder what she did wrong and blame herself day after day after day, you have no clue what Karen and I are going through. We might miss a couple of Birthdays or anniversaries for the next little while, so be it.

Joe

Thanks Buddy

Love Dad

Good Morning Sunshine

Hi Baby Boy, I hope you are enjoying the morning sun. Daddy was right...the flowers are looking beautiful. The morning glories are getting so big, and I saw the first few peppers on Daddys plants, won't he be excited? I'll make sure to give all the flowers a good water tonight, and if I know you, you'd be dancing in the mud puddles (thats my boy )
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

Another Sunrise

Morning Buddy

Well it's another sunrise this morning, I got up a bit earlier than I usually do so I though I would leave you a quick note. I didn't get a good sleep last night , and I think your Momma was up late also. I think your Momma is going going through a delayed greiving period right now, just because when you first past away we were both in shock and I don't think she really grieved for you, now she's really missing you and I am trying everything in my power to help her, but I think she just has to go through this and then she can get on with her life. If you could just show her that she does many important things, that she is a amazing wife and she was a beautiful and caring Momma that would mean alot to me.

I love your momma so much it hurts.

Take Care Jack and remember I will always love you

Dad

3 things

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I've been thinking about all the things I wish I could have told you when you were with me... all I had time for, and all I could think of was to tell you about thunder storms, but there is so much more.
The 3 most special presents from your Daddy ~You ~perfume ~silk scarf ~ and equally tied are my engagement ring and wedding band (Ok I know thats 4)
my 3 favourite cd's ~mixed up, by the Cure ~Dirty, by Sonic Youth and ~Downward Sprial, by Nine Inch Nails ok a 4th would be ~ Blood Sugar Sex Magic, by the Chili Peppers.
3 favourite colors, ~Brown, Green, Blue
3 favourite animals, ~Cat, Hamster, fish (thats what we have now too)
Ok, here's where I run into trouble, I don't know how to pick a favourite sunset, or sunrise, but it is so much fun to stay up all night and watch the first morning glow in the sky, before sunrise, theres nothing more fun than sitting around a campfire with your best friends at sunset when it starts getting cool. Daddy and I would have taken you camping, just like we both did when we were kids... So much to say Baby Boy, but I'm so tired.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Fireworks

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure do miss you. I look at your beautiful picture and just want to reach in and pick you up. I get so mad that I can't do that. I've been thinking a lot today about fireworks. I wonder if you watched them on Canada Day, and if you'll see them tonight when all our friends celebrate the 4th of July... I wonder if you're like me, and love the sparklers, and bright colours. On Canada Day Daddy and I stood outside and watched the colours in the sky and thought of you dancing around all the sparkles.
I love you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love Momma

You've got my back...

Hi Baaby Boy, How are you this afternoon? Thank you for being with me today. I know you had my back at work... I knew when it started raining really hard that you were there to get me through. It went well, I got to do a lot of reading, getting to remember what I did before. It was nice to see some people I know too, and as soon as I finished, there was your Daddy to pick me up, that sure meant a lot. I think I'll be a little more overwhelmed my first few days when I get back on the phones, but I'll work my up to that. Thank you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes, for being with me, and there were a lot of people out there thinking of me too, so thank you to all of you, you know who you are. I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Talk

Hey Buddy

Glad we had that talk today out at your spot, I know your gonna help your Momma get through her 1st few days back at work. Here's a couple of pictures of the bubbles that were blowing around in the wind this afternoon.

Well thanks again Jack

Love

Dad

Big Day Tomorrow

Hi Baby Boy, Did you see us all at the park today? Grandma and Grandpa W were up for lunch and we went out to your spot. Even Grandpa W. blew lots of bubbles for you. They flew all over the grass by the trees, you must have been running free today Mr. Twinkle Toes.
I'm pretty nervous, and my stomach hurts... I go back to work tomorrow... I know everything will be Ok, I start part time for 2 weeks, and I am going to have retraining to help... so I'll see how it goes. I fully expect to be really overwhelmed and freaked out the first few days, but I liked my job before I left, so I hope I can pick up where I left off.
I love you so much, please be with me tomorrow Baby Boy.
Love Momma

Crazy Days and Nights

Hello Baby Boy, How are you? I don't think I really ever ask you that do I ? I hope you're doing better than I am right now. I'm not having such a good night. I'm so tired of hearing that Daddy and I are doing so well, we are an example to others... An example of what I wonder. I miss you so much Baby Boy that sometimes I can't see straight, and my stomach hurts so much and I don't want to go out, and all I can feel is you moving around in my belly, even though you havn't been there for over 4 months now. I guess thats how it goes, its always easier to show people what they want to see, and act the part well enough that you don't know if you're acting or if you really are feeling better somedays...I'm not sure what I know of anything right now except that I want you back, and some days its too much to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time is all I can do.
I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy.
Love Momma

Teasing the Ducks

Morning buddy

Well I'm off to work in a little bit, just wanted to drop you a quick note. Did you see the boy duck and the girl duck in our back yard yesterday? I know you did, it was probably you chasing them around the yard (That's my Boy)

. I was sure glad that your Momma got some more answers yesterday from Dr.Kim, that really helped.

Well I'm off to work, if you could do me a favour and drop something on someone today that would be great :)

Love ya Jack

Dad

P.S

I'm sure you've been watching Baby Boy, but there are so many wonderful people out there who have been so supportive and encouraging. I wanted to say Thank You for everyone's kind words and wishes for my trip to the city today, and for everyday thoughtfulness. Maybe you could twinkle your toes Baby Boy and send everyone a wish.
Sweet Dreams Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

A Long Day

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, you sure let me know you were with me today, from dancing along with Prince, to the incredible thunderstorm when I got off the bus in Toronto (although you could have held off on the rain Mr... I got soaked, and I have no doubt you were laughing) I was so glad to meet Dr. Kim I'm sure you remember his kindness. I know he and all the staff took amazing care of you. Dr. Kim helped me understand what happened on your inside baby boy, why your little body just couldn't fight, and confirmed once and for all that when Daddy and I let you go, it was in total peace and love, that there was not a chance anything else could be done. I'm so sad though. Everyone says we are doing great... they don't see me curled up in bed, not sure how to live through some days without you, or how to ever be truly happy again. I thought it might be hard going into the hospital again, but I looked forward to seeing the mural with "Star Light Star Bright" painted, and the picture of the Turtle. It made me remember seeing the look on Daddy's face when you were in his arms for the first time, and when Daddy laid you in my arms. That is where we had you. Going into, and being at the hospital was easy. It was leaving again that I had a good cry, feeling like I was leaving you all over again. I'm so tired now. I miss you so much Baby Boy. You were the best time of my life. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Dr.'s Reports...

Hi Baby Boy, You must be working for me today, and I love you so much. I got a call from Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, do you remember being there? with nurse Sandi, Alison and Dr. Kim... well tomorrow I am going to get to meet with Dr. Kim and hear from him the reports for you Baby Boy. I'm not sure it will be anything I havn't already heard, but I need to hear it from Dr. Kim, and also, he is the last person I have to thank, for helping you to hold on untill I could be with you. To get to thank Dr. Kim is very important to me. So a very special thank you to Lori for helping me keep in touch at Sick Kids and helping arrange this, and to a woman named Jewel, for contacting me to arrange to meet Dr. Kim. I am very grateful.
Thank you so much for the Thunder this morning Mr. Twinkle Toes, I know you are watching me dance. I can feel you dancing with me.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Just like riding a bike

Hi Baby Boy, Did you send that rainbow for Daddy to see? Daddy was so excited to tell me he saw it when he picked me up from the bus. I sure had a nice visit with Grandpa W. and Grandma W. drove me to the bus and we had a nice talk too. I'm getting really nervous about going back to work. I'm worried I won't remember anything, and will freak out (as only us red heads can do) But everyone keeps telling me "its just like riding a bike, you never really forget what to do, you just think you forget" I'll hope thats true for work too. I really liked what I did, I'm sure you remember it too. I was sure your first words would be my opening greeting "thank you for calling sprint together with nextel, my name is Karen, how may I help you?" I miss you so much. I was thinking tonight, how much I wanted someone to bring me a balloon that said "Its a Boy" in the hospital, and how much Daddy wanted a sign for the car that said "baby on board" We should have had those. We should have you. I know that what ever you're doing now though, it is good, because Daddy and I would have taught you to do good things for others and yourself. I love you with all my heart and soul Baby Boy, thats what I say to your Daddy all the time too.
Its late now, Sweet Dreams Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

A new day

Good Afternoon Mr. Twinkle Toes. I sure am tired out today. Your Daddy and I had a pretty rough night, but it ended up being good. I like it when Daddy and I can really talk out how we feel. I am so touched by how many people in the world arn't afraid to extend a hand, to let someone they don't even know, know they care. It all helps Daddy and I feel so much better, but we sure do miss you Baby Boy. I am also getting nervous as next Monday is my first day back to work...I think that is also going to add up this week. Don't you worry though, Daddy and I will get through it, and with a lot of Thanks, from our hearts to everyone who takes a minute to write. It sure is appriciated.
I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy.
Love Momma

Our Sunday Hike

Hi Jack

Your Momma and I went on a really nice hike today. At first we didn't think we would make it, but at the end we were really happy we pushed ourselves. The trails were so beautiful, here's some pictures.

Your Momma is not feeling so good tonight, and when she's not feeling well I feel bad because I don't know what to do, and tonight I yelled at her and now I feel so bad about it. I love your Momma with all my heart and soul and I just don't know how to make her feel better, she still hurts so much since you left us. I think i'll go and lie down with her for a bit and see how she's feeling.

If mabey you could have just stayed around none of this would be happening.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

P.S.

I went into your room and got looking at some of your stuff, pics of you, your locket of hair, then I went in and laid down beside your Momma and had a good cry, then we had a good talk, I think both of us feel a little better

Dad

Fairy Day

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I'm sure you'd be just as pleased as your Daddy is, to know that today is Fairy Day. You know I'd have you out and about with bubbles and sparkles dancing around the town... So I'll go out this afternoon, and I'll dance and blow bubbles, and I'll miss you terribly. I love you so much Baby Boy. Maybe you're up there on a fluffy white cloud dancing right along with me...
Love Momma

Coffee Time

Morning Buddy


Just sitting here drinking my morning coffe and thinking about heading into work in a couple of hours. I think your Mom and I will go up to Mono Cliffs park this weekend for a good hike just to see what we are in for on the 9th of July. It's kind of a dreary here today, no sun, your Momma is still sleeping (I guess I should get her up soon). I really think people don't comprehend sometimes what your Momma and I have been through, mabey they don't think that it was that traumatic, or devastaing, or mabey they just don't think, sometimes we don't want to see pictures of other babies or talk about other babies, then somedays we are O.K., but just to be on the safe side mabey people should just not bring up the topic of other babies for the next little while (At least that's my opinon, mabey your Momma's is different) . It was your 4 month B-day on wednesday, by the way Happy be-lated B-day Buddy !!!! . Well I think I'll go and wake up your Momma.

Have a good Day Buddy

Love

Dad

Lightening

Good Afternoon my Baby Boy, I was looking out the window last night, watching the lightening, listening to the thunder and thinking of you. I was thinking about the beautiful post your Daddy wrote on our first blog, just after you passed on. Daddy said it best. You came into this world with all the thunder and lightening we expected. You were a true red head, just like your Momma. I was thinking about what a powerful force of nature lightening is. In one single moment, almost before you even see it, it's gone, yet it affects you for a lifetime. That is how I feel about you my Baby Boy. You have affected me for a lifetime, and I am so thankful for being given the opportunity to be your Momma. Even if for only 9 months and a day and a half. I was the best Momma I could be, and I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma
P.s. I do owe a special thank you to Grandma W. for showing me with both actions, words, and by example how to be a good Momma because she was the best.

Father's Day Part 2

Hey Buddy

I guess you saw your Momma and I today. We had a good day out and we both thought about you quite a bit today. Your Momma is an amazing person and I am so lucky that she is with me. I really wish you could have been here with us today, but I know that wasn't possible, but as you always know you are always here with us in our hearts. Here is a picture I took of your Momma and me at a tree at Mono Cliffs provincial Park, it was so nice there.

Thank you so much for a good father's day

Love your Father

xoxoxoxo

Butterfly's & Dragonflys

Hi Baby Boy, It's late, and I hope you're sunggled in for a good nights sleep. Daddy and I had a good day. We missed you so much, but we found the Mono Cliffs Provincial Park, where we are doing the walk in July. While we were there we saw beautiful butterflys and dragonflys, wild flowers and huge trees. We thought of you. I blew bubbles outside for you, and laughed when your Daddy grrrred because the bubbles also flew in the car... Since I'm not so good at the technical stuff, I'll let Daddy post the pictures we took today for you to see. I wish so much you were here, I love you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes, I know that you are wishing Daddy a very "Happy Daddy's Day".
Love Momma

Father's Day

Hey Buddy

It's your Dad here

Well Today (It's after 12 am) is father's day. I really wish you were here with me to celebrate it with me. Today I drove around and all I saw was father's with their sons, it really hurts to know that I will never push you in your really cool stroller or teach you to ride your bike or to tell you about the birds and bees. I wanted to be your dad so bad. I sure do miss you buddy, especially today. I think your Momma and I are going to go for a drive and get out of town for the day.
Love you my Son


Love

Dad

Memory boxes and blue blankets

Hi Baby Boy,
Did you see me at the meeting last night? It only ended up being 3 of us to share our memory boxes and pictures (the topic of the night). I brought the scrap book I made while I was pregnant, and after you were with us. They said it was so beautiful. I could have brought so many other things, like our cards, your hat and booties, and your blue blanket. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring them out of the house. That was your blue blanket. It's all I have to physically remind me of you. That blue blanket... Joe even called the hospital to make sure they could send that blanket for me. I needed it then, as much as I do know. I guess bringing it out of the house, reminds me too much that comming home again, thats all I have of you. I'd give anything to have you instead of that blue blanket, but thank goodness for that blue blanket. You can see how attached I am to it. I won't even let Stanley the cat sleep on it. Its all mine. Its you.
I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy. I miss you.
Love, Momma

No sleep till Brooklyn

HI Baby Boy. I can't sleep at all, I miss you so much tonight I don't know what to do. All that comes to mind is the Beastie Boys "No sleep till Brooklyn" If only you knew how many club nights I'd be riding the zoo bus up (or down is it Grandpa W ) (For anyone outside of Toronto, the zoo bus is the one that runs after bars close and the subways have long since stopped...) I'd sing that song in my head, sometimes out loud all the way home. There sure were some interesting rides on the zoo bus. I shouldn't be telling you all this, you're too young Mr. Twinkle Toes. For all "of age" readers, you can immagine what kind of a ride that would be after bars close... Those were my good ol days. I wouldn't change right now for the world. I sure do love that Daddy of yours, and even though I don't know what to do, I know that you have changed my life forever Jack, and I am going to be even better. You'll see Mr. Twinkle Toes.
I love you, Good Night Baby Boy, as Grandma W. would say "sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite"
Sweet Dreams,
Love Momma

Blow Little Leaf

Hi Baby Boy,
Daddy and I were out for a drive this evening, and ended up in Barrie. So up I went to see Kathy Body (the coolest tattoo artist ever~ She Rocks~) I told her about the card we got, with the line "blow little leaf to a beautiful someplace" and the idea I have for your tattoo. I'm going to get a little leaf blowing, and insead of the stem, have it be a little J. It makes me think of you flying around, and I love it in the fall when the leaves blow all around. So on July 24, at 4 pm. I hope you'll be with me while I get my tattoo (sorry Grandma and Grandpa W, and Uncle Al, I can hear the grrrrssss from here) But I can't wait as Kathy is doing it, and it is so special to me. Just wanted to share that with you Baby Boy. I love you, so much, even more than to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Dreams & Birds Singing

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Its another beautiful day, the birds are really singing out there. I had a dream last night, there was a huge red and yellow snake under the dock in the lake, and when I leaned over to look (and you know how scared of snakes I am~ its self torture I think to look) but the snake jumped out of the water at me, and I caught it... I held the snake for a minute, looked at it, and then let it go back into the water. This to me tells me that although I am so scared of getting back into shape, physically and emotionally healthy again, I can get a hold of my fears, look at it for what it is and then let it go gently so I can move on. I will never stop wishing and wanting you back, but I know you have something to do somewhere, and I think you'd want Daddy and I to have a baby sibling for you. So this morning Daddy called and woke me up (at 10 am) and I got out my weights and treadmill and got to work. I feel good today. I know you're smiling at me.
I love you to the moon and back. I'll always dance for you my Baby Boy.
Love Momma

Your Mommas beautiful Flowers

Hi Jack

Dad here

Just wanted to put up a few pictures of your Mommas beautiful flowers to see, I hope you enjoy them











. Your Momma is in Toronto today and will be home this afternoon (I sure did miss her when I woke up this morning), but I at least knew that you were here to keep me company. Well I should get ready for work :(

Here's a picture of your Momma and I on sunday outside enjoying the sun with your Grandma Townes


Have a good day Buddy

Love your Dad

Big day in the city

Hi Baby Boy,
I'm driving to Toronto tonight to see Grandma and Grandpa W. also to see my doctor tomorrow... I'm nervous about leaving Daddy all night, so will you please watch over him tonight? I know you do every night though, Thank you Baby boy. What do you think of all the flowers I planted yesterday? I'll have to get Daddy to post a picture for everyone to see. Today is harder than others. I miss you so much. My Mr. Twinkle Toes, Daddy found the fishbone c.d for me to listen to in the car. I'll turn it right up for you to hear so you can dance with me.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Empty

Hi Bud

Dad here

Today as you see your Mom and I were cleaning up the house, it really needed a good cleanng, it looks alot better. As you already seen your Mom put away the clothes we had for you that were hanging in the armoire. That was a really hard thing for her to do, and it was equally hard for me to watch, but she did leave you JC/DC outfit hanging up in there for you :)
Your room just feels so empty and cold, I really wish you could have came home and had seen it in person, I know you would have loved it. It's been raing all day today, your Momma went down to Toronto late this afternoon to see your cousins Nolan and Aiden, she was pretty excited, I decided to just stay home and finish up and relax, I had a pretty rough week at work.
I was just looking at some pics of you after you were born here in Orillia, I loved the one picture because you looked so much like a little boy in it.I'm putting that picture in this post, I just want everyone to see how good looking my son was.


Some days I just can't believe that your not here, I know your not but I just think mabey it's all a dream and I'll wake up and we will all be a happy family like everyone else has.

Take care Jack

Love you Dad

Spring Cleaning

Good Morning Baby Boy,
Daddy and I sat outside having coffee and tea, and talking about doing a good cleaning of the appartment this weekend. Its long overdue. We talked about putting some of your clothes and toys away. There are a few outfits that were yours baby boy, that we will keep in your memory box, but if its ok, a lot of the clothes we will save for when you have a baby brother or sister. My heart hurts. I know that by putting things away, it will be even more real, that you can never be here with us the way you were supposed to be, and I don't want to admit it. I want to be 2 and close my eyes and pretend its not real. But I know it is, and I have your little sleeper night gown with the train engine on it. That was going to be the outfit you wore for Grandpa W. the first time they came over to see you. And your outfit from Auntie Sarah, with the stars and bears, and matching hat. You were going to wear that home from the hospital. I hope where ever you are now, you're smiling and watching the butterflys fly around. I'll think of you when I see glow flies, I'm sure you'll be flying right beside me as I chase and try to catch them. (Yes I'm 30, and still chase glow flies... I'm your Momma, you'd be with me wouldn't you)
Anyway, You know that no matter what we put away, we will never put away our love for you. You are my Mr. Twinkle Toes, always dancing in my heart. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Momma's on a mission

Hi Baby Boy,
Maybe it was the thunderstorm today that gave me the kick I need... I know now what everyone's been telling me for a while. It's more than just Ok to get healthier and stronger again. So, you my baby boy are going to see your Momma on a mission, and Daddy would say to watch out... There's no stopping me when I make up my mind and my heart.
I am going to walk every day, and exercise properly, eat healthily included. No excuses anymore Ok?! I am going to be strong enough to run the 5 k. for our support group in September. That is my mission, my goal, for me and you
I love you baby boy.
Momma

Dandylion fluffies

Hi My Baby Boy,
Do you feel it too? Since your Daddy and I released some of your ashes, I feel more free. I think that is your spirit flying around me saying Thank You. Now I feel like you are enjoying the outdoors, and feel the healing powers of Nature. Everytime I am outside now I can feel you when I look at the trees and flowers. Thank you to your Daddy, for knowing me, and the perfect time and place for you... I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes. I always miss you, but feel closer to you now.
Love Momma

Jack's finally enjoying the Sun

Hey Buddy
Earlier today I got an idea in my head and tonight after supper I decided to bring up with your Momma and see what she thought. It was such a beautiful day out today and as you already know (I know you have been listening to us) your Momma and I were wanting to take you (Your ashes) out to a special place and sit and talk to you about it (The place) and then see if you liked it and then let you hang out there and experience the sun and rain and trees and rocks, everything that nature has to offer. Your Momma said that was a great idea, so we hopped in the car (Yes we were careful) and drove out to a beautiful place, out at the park were the Mariposa Folk Festival is held every year. We walked along, then we came upon the spot that we both knew would be perfect, the sun was shining exactly at the point we you were released. I took some of you (I know that sounds weird buddy but that's what I did) in my hand and I talked a little about you and how much I loved you and how special you were (because you were) and then I just tossed you into the water,then you Momma blew into the wind a dandelion (Actually when it's all white and fluffy it's called a dandelion clock)and it was beautiful, you shone in the sunlight and I knew that you were going to have a good time there. Then it was your Mommas turn, she took some of you in the palm of her hand and said how much she loved you and also how special you were and that she hoped you would dance in the water and sunlight, because as you already know your her Mr.Twinkle Toes, then she tossed you into the water and sunlight, then she blew the other 2 dandelion clock's and made a wish (I didn't ask what she wished and she didn't tell me, I think mabey it was between a Mother and her Son). We then just stood there and looked out into the water and talked about you and how much better we both felt knowing that you were outside enjoying the sun. I took a picture of the place were you play so everyone knows what it looks like. You are the most special guy in the whole wide world, and both your Momma and I hope that one day we can take your little brother or sister out there and they can see were there big brother Jack hangs out.

Love you forever Buddy

Dad

Keep your feet dry

Hey Buddy

Dad here

Just wondering how you are doing today? I'm O.K., had to work today, busy but not to bad. I'm trying to cut the junk out of my diet, feeling better, been able to sleep better. I wish your Momma could sleep better, I guess with time.
It was a nice day out today, did you get a chance to enjoy the day? It's suppose to rain the next few days, so make sure to keep your feet dry.
Your uncle Paul called tonight to say it looks like they will finally be into their house this weekend! Yeah!! So I guees I'll go out and give him a hand with things.

Well it's getting late

Love ya Jack

Dad

A new friend

Good Morning Baby Boy. I'm extra sad today. Grandma W's best friend Ann passed away last night. She is now an angel just like you. Maybe you've already met her. I know she'd find you and give you lots of big huggs for me and Daddy. She met you when you were in my belly. She made me turn around and around to show off how big I was, and she laughed and said she'd never seen me look so beautiful. Ann is beautiful, she is at peace now like you baby boy.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

The start of another week

Morning Buddy

Well it's the start of another week(Yesterday doesn't count because it was a holiday). Got your Momma up early because it's so sunny out and I know she wouldn't want to miss it. I have to work in a couple of hours :(. I think about you eveyday, good thoughts. I really want to change my life for the good, I want to start living life, I want to live it for you, because you didn't get a chance to and I get a chance to live everyday and I seem to waste it (Watching the same old TV shows, sitting at the computer, going to the same old job).
Have a good day Buddy

Love your DAD

I Want You Back

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure am missing you tonight. I miss you everynight. I know that you can't be with us again, but it really hurts, I want you back. I don't know how to be Ok with the fact that you're not here, I don't know if I'll ever be. I have to find something symbolic to do to help me let go of holding onto you so tightly. The last thing I want is for your spirit to be stuck here just because I can't let go. I want to know that you can pass on in peace, but how can I know for sure if you have? Please send me or your Daddy a sign so I'll know.
I love you to the moon and back. All the dandylion fluffies flying around are my kisses to you.
Love Momma

Potty mouth-Part 2

Hi Buddy

I know that you watch your Momma play the video game "Kid Icarus" and i'm always tellin' you to cover your ears when she's playing . Your Momma is trying so hard right now to feel better, and I know that she' doing the best that she can. I sure do love that Momma of yours.

Good night Buddy

Dad

Potty Mouth

Hi Baby Boy,
So your Daddy and I just finished watching the show Soprano's, and I don't know what is more fun, the show, or your Daddy after the show. He thinks he's Tony Soprano himself doesn't he... I'm sure you're laughing just as much as I am. I love your Daddy so much.
Good Night Baby Boy, I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

Ha Ha Ha Ha

Hi Baby Boy,
I keep thinking tonight that the first time you opened your eyes to see me, who knows what you'd have thought... I had a good few doses of medication (since just having had major surgery and all) hadn't showered in a couple of days and was wearing monkey pajama pants (yes those are monkeys on my pants) Oh yea, and my winter boots without socks.
I guess the point of this is how funny I must have looked to you, and now here is my picture for the world to see... but it doesn't matter does it, since that moment I had you in my arms, and I looked like one proud Momma, monkey pants and all.
I love you Baby Boy
Love Momma

Too Little Time

Hi Jack, Dad here

I guess I had kinda a rough day today. I was at work and I just got to thinking about the day you were born and the day that you left us. It was just so fast, everything went by so damm fast I don't know if I got to say everything that I wanted to say to you. I think back about standing beside you and holding your little hand, or playing with your little toes, you were such a big boy, much bigger than the other babies in your room, you had hair, it had some red mixed in (Just like your Momma's) , you were such a beautiful baby, you were perfect. I guess I just wanted one more minute to hold you, or touch your little hand, or just to rub my thumb against your forhead. I see these people with their babies and I get so mad, why can't we have you! you were here, you were real, you were our little boy, I just want to turn back time and fight more for you, mabey there was something else I could have done or said, but mabey not. I really hope someday I can remember more about the days that you lived.
Thanks for looking over me buddy:)

Love

Dad
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Speed Bumps

Hi Baby Boy,
For a while there I thought, and I was doing Ok, but it seems I've tripped over a few unseen speed bumps. I knew there would be some, they just snuck up on me and caught me (I guess thats what they are supposed to do) I've had a lot of trouble having the energy this week to exercise and eat as healthily as I should. I want so much for you to be proud of me, but I feel like I havn't been doing much good this week. I need to be more patient with myself. Nothing wrong with having a rest after a fall I suppose, as long as I don't lay down and stay there unseen. I'm just so tired this week. Tomorrow is the support group meeting. I feel better after that, I'm sure its just what I need to pick myself back up agian. Daddy said it best. The three of us will continue to grow, with you in our hearts. I just miss you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes. I'll do a dance for you, I got the new Chili Peppers cd and its good. How does that sound?
I love you to the moon and back
Love, Momma

Love today

Hi My Baby Boy
Your Daddy said it all didn't he... You were in my heart today thats for sure (although I wish you could have been in my arms, I missed you so much) Thank you to your Daddy, I had a great day. I smiled. I love you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes, today I had a Happy Momma's Day.
I love you to the moon and back
Love Momma

I saw your Momma Smile Today

Hey Buddy

As you know today is Mother's Day and your Momma is feeling pretty sad that your not here to celebrate it with us (I'm also feeling kinda down), but I wanted to get your Momma out and have a fun day. We got up and got some breakfast and just drove. We went all over the place, the one place we stopped at we saw this really big bird called a crane, it was beautiful, did you see it?. Here are some pictures from our little day trip.

Thinking of you always Buddy

Love Dad

Thank you

Dear Baby Boy, I've been so sad this week thinking about Mother's Day, and wondering what kind of Momma I am now... but tonight I want to Thank You for the wonderful thunder storm, I'm sure it was from you. You're just like your Daddy, always a day early because you can't wait to give a present. I was so proud and happy when pregnant, and on Feb. 21 I was given the greatest honour and privelage anyone could have. I was given the gift of you, and being your Momma. I whish you could have stayed longer, I miss you so much, but I thank you Mr. Twinkle Toes, every second we had was worth it. I now know in my heart and soul what love means, feels like, and looks like. Love is you.
Love Momma

Happy Mother's Day

Hey Buddy

This post is for your Momma than you, but I know you will agree it has to be said. Hi Baby Girl, I know this is a couple of days early but I think you need to hear this now. You are and always will be the greatest Mom that ever walked the face of this earth. The way you carried yourself when you had Jack inside of you, with pride and love, I have never seen a woman look so beautiful before, I can still remember the day when we saw the first ultrasound of Jack (When he was called Appleseed) and we just hugged each other so hard and cried and we were so happy. And remember the day when we found out we were having a boy? these are the memories I have when I think about you as a Mom. I know our baby boy looks at you everyday and says Thanks for being such a good Mom and I look at you everyday and I also think Thanks for being the best Mom in the whole wide world . I know not everything I say or do can take the pain away, but I hope these few simple words help just a little bit.

Happy Mothers Day Baby Girl

Love your Husband Joe and your little boy Jackson(Jack)

Happy Mother's Day

Hi Baby Boy, I'm having a lot of trouble getting to sleep tonight. I miss you so much, my stomach hurts again, and I'm thinking about how this is supposed to be my first Mother's Day... But what kind of day can I have when I don't know what kind of Mother I am without you here. I'll put it out there and maybe you can give me a sign, or someone reading this can give me some advice... I just don't know what to do... all I know is that I love you to the moon and back
Love me,
your Momma

Love

Good Morning Mr. Twinkle Toes
Did you see Daddy and I looking at the star last night? It was so pretty shining bright, and Daddy is sure it is you. Its been pretty rough around here, but I know you can see Daddy and I taking turns holding onto eachother. I sure do love your Daddy. He is so strong and brave, and loves me and you more than anything. He is my heart and soul
I love you Baby Boy
Love Momma

Morning Glory

Hi Baby Boy, Did you see me outside planting the flowers today? It felt good to be digging in the dirt and planting the seeds. But then I got really sad and so angry that you wern't here, and I felt like I didn't have any right to enjoy planting and growning anything since I couldn't help you grow. So I broke down and had myself a good 'ol red headed freak out and (I hope by now you're used to the red head temper thing) now I feel better. Auntie Sarah had a beautiful idea... what I planted could represent your spirit, and through gardening I can nurture and grow your spirit, I can talk to and love the flowers growing. And even if only one weed pops up, while, it would be that much more funny since I tend to like the wild flower, weed look anyway. And the neighbours already think I'm crazy, so what the heck. Here's to you my Baby Boy. I love you.
Love Momma

Up and down kinda Day

Hey Buddy

Dad here, I've been havin' kinda a Up and Down kinda day. I saw a lady this morning with a baby that would be the same age as you and it got me thinking, i'm not really the sun loving person, I usually like the dark days , but I got thinking about how sunny today was and how much fun your momma and I would have had taking you out for walks in your cool stroller and having people look at you and say how cute you are (You took after your Momma). I felt sad and kinda mad that all you got to see was the inside of the hospitals, you never even got to see the sunshine. Everything I have read and what people have said, they say that your Momma and I will go through phases like these , where we will feel O.K. then we will feel sad or mad. I guess i'm just mad at all of these people who have babies, sometimes 2 or 3 and I just wonder why we can't have just 1 (That's you), it's not fair.
Well Dad was up late last night so I'm gonna start to wind down and get some sleep soon.
Love ya Buddy

Dad

Feeling Better

Good Morning Baby Boy, How are you out there? I hope you are enjoying such a nice spring morning. The sun is shining, birds are singing... I could be a grump and hide under the covers, but I beat myself up enough yesterday didn't I, today I'll give myself a break and try to be more patient with myself. Today makes me think of a saying I came across "weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning" It is very true today. I'm exhausted, but can see the joy having had you in my arms brought me, and it was worth everything Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Today I'm so thankfull for your Daddy, and for people we've never met, yet whom take the time to leave such kind, supportive words, during our good days, and not so good days, I hope you know who you are :)
I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy
Love Momma

Home sweet home

Hi Baby Boy, I've typed I don't know how many letters and deleted them, not sure how to say anything or what to say... everything feels empty today, anything I say, anything I do feels half assed (ear muffs mr.) I'm really upset, maybe angry, confused, sad... Home sweet home... I'm not sure why people come over, they always feel sad when they do. You should be here to make them smile, and now its just me, and I guess I'm not feeling like I'm enough of anything right now. I'm so sorry, I wish I'd feel better so I could make you proud of me. I sure do love you mr. twinkle toes
Love Momma

Smile

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes
I hope you're not too sad for Daddy and I. Its been a rough couple of days... doctors wern't kidding when they said things would seem to get better, then you're hit with a couple of bad days. We just miss you so much, and don't know what to do. I know you would love your Daddy's paintings ~ I think you were just like him, you left me a beautiful painting on my belly~ I love you with all my heart and soul baby boy, to the moon and back, is also how much I love your daddy.
love Moma

What a Dreary Day

Hi Buddy

Well it's a pretty dreary day out there, it's usually the kind of day that I like, but today I guess I would have liked some sunshine. I got up early and got a coffee and drove around looking for a few garage sales but my heart just wasn't in it. Sounds silly but before you were born I had all these plans that saturday mornings we would leave your Momma sleeping and you and I would head out and hit all the sales and stop at timmies and get you some Tim-Bits to munch on. As I drove around I realized that was never gonna happen and it made me sad. Your Momma going through a rough patch right now. Her body is returning back to it's normal self and she's sad about that, I try my best to cheer her up and make her smile, but sometimes there's really nothing anyone can do to make a person feel better (I know all about that). I just sent her to lay down and get some sleep (She didn't sllep very well last night) so mabey she will feel a bit better later.
When we went out today I bought a Canvas to paint on, I haven't painted anything in a long time and you know what, mabey that will make me feel a bit better. I hope you like what I do.
Well, don't forget your dad loves ya Buddy

Dad

Love

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I know you're looking down on us today (and everyday) You know how much I love your Daddy, and how proud of him I am. He takes such good care of me, and works so hard. I wish he would give himself a break, but he won't rest will he ? I'll just bet that you're wishing you could be here with us too... please send your Daddy a wink, let him know you're Ok, and we'll wish on a star for you tonight. I love you to the moon and back Baby Boy.
Love Momma

I was all ready Buddy

Hi Jack

Dad here. I just keep thinking I was all ready to be a Dad, I was all ready for the responsibility that goes along with it. I couldn't wait to look after you and your Mom, now I just feel like givin' up sometimes, your Mom's sad, and i'm sad and i'm also trying to keep your Mom's spirits up, it's really hard. I don't think it would have been as hard if we didn't get to see you and touch you and hold you and talk to you, I would never take back the time we had together, but sometimes I feel that if we hadn't met it would have been easier (I hate myself for even saying that).
Sorry Buddy, I love you and your Momma so much, I know one day your Momma and I will give you a little brother or sister but you have to know that you are our first baby and we will never ever forget you Buddy.

Love

Dad

Opportunities

Good Morning Baby Boy
Today I'm excited, and I hope you are ok that Daddy and I have agreed that we want to share your pictures with Sick Kids hospital. There is a program for doctors, nurses and students studying families who have lost thier baby, and through volunteering our pictures of you to tell our story they will learn more personally what we go through. I was so mad when we couldn't donate your eyes. I wanted so much for another baby to get your eyes, so they can see everything I'd have wanted you to see in life. But we have other opportunities, and Daddy and I will use them all so your death won't have been for nothing. You matter so much in this world Jack, even if you arn't with us. I love you.
Love Moma

My star

Hi Baby Boy
I read this in the newsletter your daddy and I get, and it fits so close to my heart It helps when my stomach hurts because I miss you so much.

"Twinkle twinkle little star, we'll always know right where you are. You're in our souls, you're in our hearts, nothing could ever tear us appart. We'll look above each moonlit night, to see the glimmer of your shining light. Look down on us and feel our love, for you are our star above."

I love you Mr. Twinkle toes, to the moon and back
Love Moma

Proud

Hey Buddy

Just a quick note to tell you how proud I am of your Momma. She got on the tread mill today and walked for like 20 minutes and tonight after dinner we went out for a walk. I know she doesn't feel like getting better, but I know and she knows it's what you would want her to do.
Sorry today about seeing you old Dad sheading a few tears at work, it was just that little baby boy that I saw would have been about the same age as you, it made me a little sad.

Have a good night Jack

Love Dad

Back to myself

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes. I'm putting this in writing for you, and everyone who reads this... I am determined to put one foot in frount of the other and start moving to get back into exercising and eating heatlthily. I'm not sure I know how to get myself back, or if I even want myself back without you, but I know for your Daddy I want to be healthy and feel better, and I hope that will make you smile too Baby Boy. I'm scared, my stomach hurts, but I want you to see me and smile, knowing that I'll be healthier and happier for your Daddy, and for my love for you.
I love you
Moma

I wish you could have been with us today Buddy

Hi there Buddy

As your Momma wrote, we went to Hamiliton today and visited your cousins Nolan and Aidan and Aunt Sarah and Uncle Albert. I really wish you could have been there with us today , I really missed you. Seeing your cousin Nolan playing and talking got me thinking about what you would have been like when you were his age, would you have looked like your cousins, what kinda words would have been coming out of your mouth, would you have liked to dance, things like that.
I'm tired Buddy and i'll talk to you later

Love


Dad

Good to be home

Hello Mr. Twinkle Toes. What a day daddy and I had. Auntie Sarah, Uncle Al, Nolan and Aidan were so happy to see us. As soon as Nolan saw Uncle Joe, that was it... it was all about Uncle Joe. We got to see Nolan's new bike helmet, his doll Zoe, and watched a video of Elmocise- a dance video that Nolan dances too. It was a wonderful day. Daddy went out with Uncle Joe and I got to visit Autie Sarah, Nolan and Aidan. It made me miss you though. I did really well, but it was so hard when Aidan held onto my finger, I never got to feel you hold my finger, you were just to sick. I keep telling myself, whats important is that you felt me hold your hand. and I hope that made you feel better. Nolan made you a wonderful picture Jack, the morning you were born, he gave it to Daddy and I to put in your special memory box, but I'll leave it out for you to see first. I wish you were here with us to see it. I love you baby boy. Nolan kept saying Baby Jack when he saw your picture. I'm so glad his mommy and daddy will make sure he and Aidan know you.
I Love you so much, to the moon and back.
Love Moma

Family

Hi Baby Boy, tomorrow we are going to visit Auntie Sarah and Uncle Al, Nolan and Aidan. I am really looking forward to seeing them, but my stomach hurts. We're suposed to have you to bring over, to meet your cousins, and now I don't have anything to bring over but pictures and its not fair. I know they are looking forward to seeing all our beautiful pictures, so you'd better believe I'll show them off proudly. I sure am thankfull for Al and Sarah, they are wonderful, and they love you very much Jack. I'll tell you about our visit tomorrow.
I love you
Moma

You're Beautiful

Hi Baby Boy, It has been a rough couple of days here. Your daddy and I miss you so much, and I know you miss us too. I am thinking today about how very beautiful you are, just like your daddy. He says so many wonderful things about me, but you and I both know don't we Jack, who the strong one is. Ok, We take turns being the stong one. I never could have immagined I'd have to live without you Jack, I don't know how to. In all this the only thing your daddy and I can do is hold onto eachother, and I'm sure not going to let your daddy go, and I know he won't let me either. I love your daddy with all my heart and soul. Your grandma W. said it best, he is my rock of gibralter, and I am his strength too. Shine bright up there Mr. Twinkle Toes, so everyone can see how beautiful you are.
Love Moma

Your Mom sure is Great!

Hi Jack

Dad here

Just getting ready to go to work . I for got to say last night in all my rantings that your Momma sure is the greatest. When I got home from work yesterday she had dinner ready and waiting and she was all dressed up and lookin' beautiful and she even had her pearls on! now that's a wife for ya:) hehehehe.
I could not have gotten through the last few months if your Momma wasn't here for me.

Thanks Baby Girl

Got to get ready for work now.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Summers almost here

Hey Jack

I guess I have alot to say tonight. I don't know if your Momma has told you yet, but she had a good idea . She was thinking about inviting everyone over to our house for a family and friends bar-B que and get together, to talk about you and share stories about when you were in your Mommas tummy (Your Momma looked so beautiful when you were in there). I think it's a good idea. The nice weather is coming so I hope your gonna get a chance to go out and walk all around the trees and flowers.
I saw a single little star tonight and I showed your Momma and we both agreed and it was you.

Good night Buddy

Love Dad

It was all you buddy, and nobody else!

Hey Buddy

Dad here, just sitting up late and thinking alot about you tonight. I went and talked to a really nice lady today, we talked about you and we talked about how your Momma and I are doing. I mentioned how just before you left us you opened your eyes and looked at both your momma and me , and how special that was. I believe that was all you, that was You looking at us, nobody else. This whole God thing has gotten me really upset lately, when people say that you are in a better place (Heaven) and you are sitting with God, I just want to scream and say that you are not in a better place, you should be right here with your Momma and your Dad, and if this "God" is so great why would he steal a baby from the arms of a loveing and caring couple who have done nothing wrong. I believe that you are somewhere really nice and you are with your great Grandpa Townes and your just looking at us and missing us, like we miss you. Sorry about ranting there, but I'm just so upset about all of this "God" stuff right now, why can't people just not say that stuff.
Love you forever and ever Buddy

Love Dad

How'd I do?

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I've been thinking all night about how I did being a Moma. Were you comfortable when I held you, did you know how much I loved you? I don't remember talking to you all that much when I had you in my arms. I think I was in awe that I actually had you, but I wanted to say so many things. I know you can hear me now where you are, but its not the same. I'm sorry I never told you with my voice all I wanted to when I had the chance.
I love you Baby Boy, I hope and pray you knew that, and know it now.
Love Moma

Flowers

Good Morning Baby Boy. I've decided on one part of my tattoo for you. It's a flower called "Morning Glory" the spiritual meaning for it is ~a new perspective and finding a new meaning in life~ it fits perfectly having had you, you were my new perspective, and now that you're not here, finding a new meaing in life is what I have to do. I also just love the name Morning Glory. It makes me smile. I love you with all my heart baby boy, and I'll find a way to be Ok, one step at a time. Don't you worry, I'm keeping your Daddy right beside me too, you know that I love him, to the moon and back, just like you.
Love Moma

Had a good time buddy

Hey Buddy

Hope your having a good day. I ended up going out the other night and I had a good time, I'm glad your momma got me to go out. Today is pretty dark out and your momma is in T.O. visiting your Grandma and Grandpa W, she will be home soon.
Were you playing with Stan the other night in your room? he was talking to someone and jumping around, your momma and I just figured it was you chasing him around. I'm watching Happy Days right now , you would have loved the show.
Take Care Buddy

Love

DAD

Talkin' about my Boy

Hey Buddy. It's friday and I have the day off (With Pay Yeah!!!) Your Mom and I are just takin' it easy. I'm going tonight to see Randy and Mr.Lahey from the Trailer Park Boys in Barrie (You know how much your Dad loves that show), the show isn't until 10:30 P.M. tonight so your Dad is gonna be 1 tired guy tommorow. Your Momma and I went to Barrie last night to a metting to talk to other people who don't have their children with them anymore (Mabey you have met some of them), the one lady there also had a little boy named Jackson, he sounded like he would have been pretty cool for you to hang out with. I gave everyone the address of this site so they can see how your Momma and I are doing and mabey it will help them out a little bit. They all thought it was pretty cool that you are sitting on your shelf in your bedroom inside Darth Vadar:)
Well I'm gonna go get some lunch and get ready for tonight!

Love ya Buddy

Dad

I'm so sorry

Hi Baby Boy, I've been feeling so guilty lately, and like I've let everyone down. I hate that this had to happen to you. You are such a beautiful baby, you didn't deserve for this to happen, and neither did your daddy and I. I know I didn't cause this to happen, and I know no one blames me, but I am blaming myself, and I have to find a way to stop this. I am writing to say I am so sorry, to you, my baby boy, and to your daddy, and to everyone else. Maybe now I can start letting myself slowly off the hook. I'm going to walk in the sunshine, and be thankful for a nice day to remember you with.
All my love to you,
Moma

Missing brain cells

Hi Baby Boy, it must be true that after having a baby, you don't regain all of your brain cells: I didn't mention your cousins Nolan and Aidan. Although they are still so very young, their daddy will make sure they grow up to be the kind of men I would want you to be like too.
Love Moma

Part 2

Good Morning Baby Boy
Today I am going to give thanks to the men in my life, for without whom equally I wouldn't get through this time... so first to YOU. You Jack have been the most influential teacher I have ever had. I love you more than the moon and stars, so Thank you. Also, to your Daddy, my love, you know too how wonderful he is, I don't have to say anything else. And to My Daddy, Grandpa W, Uncles Albert, Tom and Paul, cousins Stew, Luke, Ethan and Logan (whom you would be happy to know is still swinging from the stairs- always has, always will). I couldn't have hand picked a better bunch of men to teach you what it meens to "Be a man" they are fantastic, so watch over them, and take notes Ok Mr. I love you, I miss you with all my heart.
Love Moma

Where does the time go?

Hey there Buddy

Can you believe that in a couple of hours you were born 2 whole months ago. I really can't believe that it's been that long. 2 months, were did the time go, I thought by now I would feel better, but I feel like I'm getting worse, people that have not lost a child have no clue what your Mom and I our going through. I guess what gets me is seeing people bring little guys into the store that would be about your age and wondering what you would have been like, what your hair would have looked like by now, would you have been a big baby or a tiny baby (If your like your Dad a big baby). People say that you have to get on with your life, but you know what, I don't want to, I want to stay were I am because I still remember you right now.
Love you always Buddy

Dad

Thanks

Hi Baby Boy, I realized I hadn't posted any Thanks for the last couple of days, and I would have tought you how to be thankful, so I do want to keep up with that... Today I am very thankful for the women around me, who have been more of a support than thanks can say... You Grandma Townes and Wetherald, your Aunties Sarah, Tara, and Nadia, also your cousin Taylor. All of whom are so special to me, and without, I couldn't get through this. A special thank you to Taylor, for the beautiful pictures she drew for us, I'm sure you've seen them in your room. Daddy and I treasure them very much.
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes,
Moma

Sun in the Park

Hi Baby Boy, It's late for me, but I wanted to know if you saw Daddy and I at the park today. We always love going to the park and sitting at the table with tea (for me) and coffee (for daddy). It was nice and warm out, lots of kids running around and playing on the swings. It made me smile, and miss you terribly. We thought of having you Jack, pushing your stroller through the park. But we will still go, and smile, thinking of you watching us. I think you'd want us to still go to the park, next time I'll bring some bubbles.
Love you so much Baby Boy.
Love Moma

Just Not the same

Morning Buddy

I'm hanging out here alone today, your Momma has went down to T.O. to see your Grandma and Grandpa Wetherald. I don't know why but I really didn't want to see anyone this weekend. I think there's two reasons. First, as you know your Mom and I are not all that religous, and this whole easter holiday is based around organized religon, and I guess I'm thinking that any kind of "Great" God that would steal away an innocent baby from a couple who have already been put through so much pain, I really don't want anything to do with them. Second, Easter is also all about children, about kids getting chocolate easter bunnies and hunting for easter eggs, and right now I'm just so mad because this was gonna be your first easter and I was gonna get you the biggest easter bunny there was (Even thought I would have had to help you eat it) and seeing and hearing about all of the other kids with their easter treats makes me really sad and miss you soo much.
I hope that people realize that it's not them personally that I don't want to see, it's just that seeing them makes me sad and miss ya Bud.
Your Momma just phoned me on the cell phone from Toronto to say she got down there O.K., she says her stomach hurts a bit, but I told her to just take it easy, so don't worry about her buddy.
Happy easter Buddy, here's a treat for you:) Don't eat it all at once (Who ami I kidding your my son , of course you'll eat it all at once)



Love you always

Your Dad

Peter Pan

My Baby Boy I found this quote from Peter Pan, I thought of you "The second star to the right and straight ahead till morning" Maybe when my journey on earth is through, thats how I'll find you again... I miss you so much. I feel guilty for wanting to be healthy and move again. Today, I'm thankful for quiet times. I love you.
Moma

Your Tattoo

Evening Buddy

It's late thursday night and I can't sleep so i'm listening to Radiohead's O.K. Computer CD and i'm putting together a few ideas I have for your memorial tatto i'm going to get. I think it's going to be a straight ahead "Old School" tat with just your name and RIP written over the top of your name. I'm toying with the idea of adding some cool looking flames to it (Just because you were a beautiful fire in your Momma's belly). I'll post a picture of it once it's finished.
Your Momma and I got a really great email today from your nurse at Sick Kid's in Toronto, her name was Sandi, do you remember her? she was the lady who helped you hold on so your Momma could get down there and get a chance to hold you and talk to you. Both your Momma and I cannot put into words the thanks we have for her, she really makes a difference in this world.
I hope you don't mind buddy but I had your Momma put away a picture of you that we had out, it was the one with you hooked up to all of the tubes and wires, I don't think it was all of that stuff that was bothering me, I think it was that in the pic you looked so pink and healthy and everytime I see the picture I just want ot reach into it and pick you up and hold onto you so tight. It's not fair, I don't want these stupid pictures, I want my baby boy. Why? Why did this happen to us?
Sorry Buddy, I sometimes get off track (And start crying a bit when i'm typing).
Have a good night Buddy and say high to Grandpa T

Love your Dad

A Test

Hi Baby Boy, today feels like a test of my strength, and I don't know if I'm up to the challenge. I'm tired, and I miss you more than the world, and I hate that I can't pick you up out of the picture and hold you in my arms. Somehow under all this sadness I have to pick myself up and get through every day. Your daddy is one strong man, he inspires me to get up everyday, I know you would have his strength. Today I am thankful for my doctors, who are all working to help me through this and make sure I get through this healthily
Love you Baby Boy
Moma

Raindrops

Good Morning Baby Boy, I didn't want to get up today, but I did, I got up and went for a walk right away. I saw the yellow buttercups, I think they were hiding from the rain. I'm sad. I want you here to walk with me, I don't want to walk alone. I know you're in my heart, but its not the same, I want you here with me and daddy.
Today I'll be thankful for rainy days, just like your daddy likes, and a hot cup of tea to curl up with. I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes, I hope you're dancing in the rain. I would dance with you, and daddy would laugh at us.
Love, Moma

Being Thankful

Good Morning Baby Boy.
I've decided that everyday, regardless of what kind of day I'm having, I'm going to type at least one thing I'm thankful for, or something positive I see (and those who know me, will understand my sense of what is positive ie. dandylions) So here goes; everyday, in equal order I am thankful for having had YOU Jack, for my husband Joe, our family and friends (I may not type that every day, but it is always the top 3)
Today I am thankful for the wild bunch of dandylions across the road, they are so strong and look pretty yellow growing out of the dirt.
I love you Baby Boy,
Moma

Spring

Hi Baby Boy. Did you see me go for a walk today? I thought of you every step. I saw the yellow buttercup flowers peek out from behind a rock, and the green grass that grows up from the dirt at the side of the road, its starting to sprout too. I came home and blew lots of bubbles into the sunshine. Did you see all the colours ? They flew right to the tops of the tree, then the breeze blew the wind chime- was that you laughing? it made me smile. I love you so much.
Moma

Monday Morning

Morning Buddy

Well it's a start to another week. At least this week will be a short one since I have Friday off. I hope your day goes well, Mom was wondering last night as we laid in bed, is there time were you are? do you go to sleep? if so then you better be getting to sleep at a good time (I sure your Great Grandpa Townes who is looking after you makes sure your in bed at a good time). I wish I didn't have to go into work today, I really need to take a few days off and get the house back into some kind of order (Since you have been gone your Mom and I haven't been doing too much around here). I have to vacum and dust your room too. I'm gonna have a shower soon and try and wake up. Your Mom is still sleeping, she needs her rest.
Mabey I haven't said it alot in my letter's but I sure do love your Mom Jack, I wouldn't have been able to get through all of this without her.
Well, have a good day Buddy and I'll talk to you later

Love
Your Dad