HERE'S JACK'S LITTLE BROTHER BENJAMIN!!!

It's been quite awhile since either your Mama or myself posted anything to the Blog (mostly because I forgot the Username/Password) hehe, and we have had our hands full the last 6 and a half months with your little brother Benjamin

Ben was born on the 13th of October 2008. Mama and Ben were Amazing, everything went perfect :)(Thanks to you)

Every once and awhile Ben will look at the ceiling talking away to himself, but I know that he's talking to you Jack :)

Love ya Buddy

Love Dad


xoxoxox

Where do I start

Hey Buddy

It's Dad here. I'm just getting ready for work and was thinking of you this morn and it's been so long since we have posted anything to your BLOG so I thought I would quickly drop you a line.
I guess by now you know you will be a big brother soon (Oct 21st). The doctors have been taking good care of your Momma and baby "Beans" so there's no need for you to worry. Some days I get so angry because I wish the doctors could have done all this for you then we would have you here with us right now (Drivin' us crazy probably) hehehe.Here's a picture of Momma and Champs.

I should get to work. Thank you for looking out for your Momma and soon to be born little brother, your a great son:)

Love Dad

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Good 'Ol Days

Hello my Baby Boy,

Its been a very long time since I've wrote to you. This summer has been pretty crazy hasn't it, between my spending time visiting Grandma and Grandpa W. your baby cousin Callum being born... I've missed writing to you my mister.

Last night Daddy and I went out to his high school reunion party, and boy was I reminded of some of my own Good ol days. The one thing that I really became aware of though, was how very little I have of the past 18 months to add to my "Good 'ol Days". I've been so sad, up and down and all around crazy. Daddy and I have spent a lot of time talking and planning ways to get healthier and be happier so I can be home.

I miss you, I love you, to the Moon and Back. I danced for you last night Mr. Twinkle Toes.

Love Momma

Summertime

Hi Buddy

Dad Here. Well the summer is coming to an end and I realized that I haven't written you for a long time. The summer has has been bitter sweet. Your Mama has been visiting your Grandma and Grandpa W so I haven't seen alot of her, which makes my heart hurt. Champ learned to swim, he just loves the water, we take him swimming out by your spot at Tudhope park, I know you have been watching and laughing at him jumping around in the water. I wish it was you I was teaching to swim, watching you jump and laugh in the water, building sand castles on the beach with your cousins, taking you for long walks and listening to the birds and trees . I think about all of our friends and family that have kids and wishing that they wouldn't take them for granted as they have no clue what's it's like to almost have something then have it stolen away. I saw 2 really beautiful rainbows last week and when I was taking pictures of them I knew that somehow they were from you to your Mama telling her not to give up.

Love you buddy



Dad

Jack playing at Mariposa

Hi Buddy

Dad here. It's been a long time since I have wrote you a message to you on your Blog, but I thought it was time too.

This weekend is the Mariposa Folk Festival out at Tudhope Park were your spot is. Your Momma and I went last night and we visited your spot and said hi to you, it felt really good. You know that your Momma and I are going through some things right now that we have to deal with before we move on with our lives, but that doesn't mean we don't still love each other.

Out where your spot is they have set up a childrens stage were kids go to listen to music and dance, we both know that you were dancing today, I could just feel it. Here are some pictures of people having fun.

We took some pictures on friday and there was a blurr in the 2 photos that we took at your spot but not in any of the other photos that I took after that. We know that it's you.

I know it's been already a year and a half but I still do miss you even though I don't talk about you as much.

I love you buddy



Dad

Stary Stary Night

Hi My Baby Boy,
Its late, very late... I couldn't sleep, and Champs was up so I took him outside. Maybe it was you calling?
When we got outside, I looked up and saw the most magical stary night I've seen in a long time. Too many stars to count, and the milky way spread out right across the sky. I immagine you swimming all night long in the sea of stars.
Daddy and I sure do miss you. Sunday was fathers' day, and it hurt Daddy's heart that he couldn't have you here to spend the day at the park... I made a wish on a shooting star and asked that you could come see Daddy in his dreams, and show him the 2 of you playing at the park. I think he would like that a lot.
I love you to the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes. I want to sleep under the stars and dream of diving into the milky way with you...
Love you forever,
Momma

Dragonflys & Glowflys

Hi my Baby Boy.
I havn't wrote for a while, just been feeling like I havn't had much to say...
The past few nights though have been pretty magical around here in our backyard.
Its not so uncommon at the begining of spring-summer to see dragonflys and glowflys, but the dragonflys have been out numbering the mosquitos!!! (There are a lot of dragonflys in otherwords)
I found out that the spiritual message from dragonflys is "You know who you really are". Interesting.
I also have been picturing you flying around with the glowflys at night... your poor Daddy... Every night, as soon as they come out, I yell, Daddy jumps, Champs barks, I run outside with Champs, Daddy stays at the window shaking his head. Geez, you think Daddy would know the routine by now! I have always loved glowflys (and I know they are really called FireFlys - but glowflys is much more fun).
Just when I thought the nights couldn't be any better, I saw a huge shooting star the other night. I know you heard my wish. I hope it is Ok with you. I'm sure it is, because I saw even more glowflys the next night.
I love you. To the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love,
Momma

To the moon and back

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes
Today Daddy and I walked by Brewry Bay ~ our old haunt where we would go every Friday for eats and drinks. It made me smile and think of how much fun it would be to do again.
Champs was at his puppy class this morning, and I thought about all the "Mommy and Me" classes I'd have taken you to.
I know that you are watching me, and so happy that I am out with Champs, taking him to classes (and we both know how much he needs it don't we). I will never stop missing you, or wanting you here, but I know it is the way it is. All I can do is trust in the ways of the universe, and know I will be with you again when the time is right.
Untill then, I love you.
To the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

A Long Weekend

Hi my Baby Boy.
What a weekend we had here... Your big cousin Stewart stayed with us for the weekend and had a great time (we all did) On Saturday up at the mall the Stanley Cup was on display and I got to get my picture taken with Daddy touching the cup! my stomach hurt so much though, thats the kind of thing I would have wanted to do with you so much.
Today was a fun day. Daddy and I met some of his friends from high school at the park and and had a wonderful time meeting eachother and wathing the kids play. Then we went to the Mariposa Market where I had a chocolate turtle brownie... oh my goodness it was very good.
I know you were at the park watching us today, and I know you were so happy Daddy and I went. I love you Mr. To the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

A green & brown special day

Hi my Baby Boy,

Today is Mothers' Day. I could spend all day writing about how despretly I miss you, how much my stomach hurts that you're not here, how much Daddy wanted to make today something else for me...
I still had a wonderful day.
I've had bags of soil and seeds waiting to plant for 3 weeeks and plants that are too big for the pots that needed repotting... I just couldn't get around to it. Untill today. It must have been waiting for Mothers' day because I got going and got it all done, and it felt great.
Daddy got me a card, Happy Mothers' Day- From your Pup Champs, and after dinner we went for a wonderful walk to your spot and blew bubbles!!!
I thought of you. You are in my heart and soul Baby Boy. I'm getting better at knowing that. What ever I do, where ever I go, you are and always will be my Baby Boy.
So, A very Happy Momma's Day, to Me. I close my eyes, and say I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.

Love,
Momma

Requests from Momma

Good Morning Mr. Twinkle Toes,
Today Daddy and I took Champs to the vets... its his big opperation day. I'm hoping you could come down and curl up with him, keep him safe and warm while he's away. Just knowing that you could do that makes me feel so much better Baby Boy. Then Champs could come home and tell me that he saw you, and that you are Ok too.
I also wondered, since Mom and Dad (your Gandma and Grandpa W.) are in Virginia, and are planning on going on a ghost walk through the city tomorrow night (and since you are my, and your Daddys Baby Boy) maybe you could put in an extra appearance and do some thing extra special just for them on the walk to scare the *&h^%&^ out of them (sorry, as Daddy would say ~ear muffs Mr.~) Thats what I would do, and your Grandpa W. Don't let him fool you, he can be a real @#$@# (ear-muffs) too. Just ask Grandma W. about that!
I love you Baby Boy. I know your with me. Everyday and Every night. I feel you with me every time I remember to just breathe.

Love,
Momma

Spring in the air

Hi my Baby Boy,
I was walking home from the bus today, and noticing how sad it is, all the garbage that appears after the winter thaw. However, it amazes me year after year that among all the garbage and dirt, the bright green blades of grass, the wild flowers, dandylions, and even the wild Trillium flowers grow proud and strong regardless of what mess is around them or they are caught up in.
Kind of a good analogy for my mind. Regardless of what a tangle of "garbage" ie. negative self talk, guilt, self blame, anxiety... my mind is caught up in, there is always room for power and beauty to come out of it all.
I'll keep thinking that every time I walk up and down the road. Every time I look up and the moon and the stars though, they are for you Baby Boy. Because I love you, to the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

Home

Good Morning Baby Boy.
There's nothing better than comming home, having a home to come home to, and someone who loves you waiting for you at home.
I know Daddy said the other day that I was having a very difficult time coping throughout this year. Its funny how positive words can sound, and how honestly you can meen them as you type them, but the feel goes with it as fast as you type.
Your Daddy's right. I havn't been Ok. I need a lot of help... but I am on the right path, and asking for the right help. Thank you for showing me that you are out there for me too. (This picture is from our back yard)
I Love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy. Your Daddy sure is the most wonderful man. Thank you for helping give him strength while I was away for a while.
Love
Momma

Your Momma My Wife

Jack

You would be so proud of your Momma. She has taken the steps to get better and to become the wife I once new. The last year has taken a toll on her, on both of us, but your Momma just could not let go the feelings of guilt and anger, and to know that she is working through that I am so happy. It's hard not having here here everyday, but just seeing her for the little time I can everyday makes my heart skip a beat and I guess the old saying is true "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder".

Thank you buddy for watching out for her, she's my everything

Love Dad

Time goes by

Good Morning Baby Boy
How despretly I miss you. Not a day will go by I don't feel that.
Time somehow keeps going by. I can't believe another spring is here. I remember flashes of last spring, like walking and finding a little leaf, dandylion fluffies... but for the most part last year was a blur that I barley existed through.
This year, I feel like I'm comming alive with the spring. Like I am thawing after a long cold winter. Then I remember that you arn't with me, and I have to remind myself that you would want to see me dancing in the sunshine again. I know you are your Daddy's son, and you'd laugh at me, but thats Ok.
Champster and I were out playing this morning, and I heard a woodpecker. It made me think of you, and I smiled, and did a little dance.
I love you Baby Boy
Momma

Movin'

Good Morning My Baby Boy,
What a great way to start the day today... I got a call from the d.j at our local radio station, called "Jack F.M" and Daddy entered me in a draw, and I won! a 4 month membership to a gym!!!
I am so excited. Through my program at the hospital, it helped me be Ok with wanting to move again, to get healthy, to live. I am remined of a quote, that I think you would agree with...
To honour the life of one who's passed on, isn't measured by the depths of your greif, but by the hight your soul reaches in life.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

People come and go...

But memories and love are forever in our hearts, arn't they Baby Boy.
This comes from the news that Colin had a very serious heart attack yesterday, and the outcome isn't looking good. This isn't what I want to talk to you about. Your life was supposed to be here, to see the sunshine, ladybugs and fishies. Instead though, you got to see everything far to quickly.
I'm thinking to day about outcomes, how people in our lives come and go, and how important it is to let them know while they are with us, what they meen in our life.
I hope when you were with Daddy and I Jack, that you knew, and know still that you are our Sun and Moon and Stars in the sky. Nothing I have ever had, or could ever have, will come close to how deeply I love you.
If it is time, for Colin to pass, will you keep an eye out for him Baby Boy. I know he would love to meet you. He's really cool.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

3 Weeks

Hello My Baby Boy,
I sure do miss you. Last night was group, and as wonderful as it is, it is also sad. Daddy and I were given such a beautiful gift... an angel called "a tree and a prayer". It is so special, and we are so thankful to whom gave it to us.
This past 3 weeks, I know you've seen how hard I've been working at the day program. Between group meetings and exercise... I've learned, and practiced a lot. The biggest lesson I've learned, is that I'm Ok when I exercise, and lose weight. In fact, when I do yoga is when I feel close to you again. Mybe thats why I can balance on one foot... its you holding me up!
I love you Baby Boy. I'll keep looking to the sky in my pose, keeping an eye out for you.
I miss you.
Love,
Momma

Nine Inch Nails

Good Morning my Baby Boy,

Contrary to Grandpa W's belief, Nine Inch Nails refers to Momma's most favourite band (well, one of)
Daddy suprised me this morning with the Live in Concert d.v.d of Nine Inch Nails, and I've been doing a little dance all around the appartment all morning. I'm sure you're dancing right along with me. When you were in my belly and I'd listen to this cd, you would always roll around (Grandma W. tried to tell me it was because it was too much noise and you didn't like it ~ but I know you really loved it ~ you're my son)
Anyways, I'm doing this next little dance for you Baby Boy. I love you. To the Moon and Back
Love,
Momma

Walk a mile

Hi Baby Boy,
I've wanted to write earlier, but blogger was being funny... On Monday I started the day treatment program at the hospital. It has been fantastic (although by the end of the day I'm exhausted and a little grumpy).
5 days a week, we do an exercise video called Walk a mile. We walk on the spot and do different steps and stretches. Its kicking my * you know what* twice a week in the morning we do an hour long yoga class too. In this week alone, I've done more exercising than in the past few months I think.
Its a little scary. I know you're cheering me on, I know you'd want to see me happy and healthy, but I feel guilty. I'm not going to give in. I'm going to keep moving, watch close though... pretty soon I'll be the one kicking *you know what*
I love you
To the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

Sunny Day

Good Morning Mr. Twinkle Toes
It was hard to get up this morning. My heart felt heavy, my stomach hurt, knowing that we want to make this the year to do something. I'm really missing you.
Then Champ jumped on the bed, and gave me so many kisses, I'm sure some of them were from you, telling me to get up.
So, I got up. It is a beautiful sunny day. I got dressed and took Champ out right away for a play. It makes me smile to have Champ here. I'm sure your glad to, he gets me up and moving, and always keeps us laughing.
I love you, to the Moon and Back. I know I will see you one day, but its not today. I don't know when, but I will do my best to take care of myself, so when you see me, I will be at my best.
Love
Momma

1 Year ends another Year begins

Here is the beautiful memorial that Grandma W placed in our local Paper.


Jack, this is a time for your Momma and I to reflect on the past year, what we did, what we didn't do, and I know that you are looking at us where ever you are and wanting us to get on with our lives, live them to the fullest, not just for us but for you.


Don't worry Buddy we will


Love

Dad

February 22

My Baby Boy,
I'm not sure yet how I feel. So many things all at once.
It was one year ago today I was driven down to Toronto, after my c-section to meet you. How can I put into words... I was in complete total awe. You were magic lying there, you were, and are, my son.
How can I put into words... meeting the team of doctors, nurses and workers, hearing all that we were facing. I will never forget the feeling of that scream welling up from somewhere inside me. I remember swallowing it, thinking there will be time enough later for screaming.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I'll write more later.
Right now, the only thing I know is how much I miss you. How much I am thank you, for being with us, for the time we had, was the best time of my life.
Love
Momma

Happy 1st B-Day Buddy

Happy 1st Birthday Jack

I really didn't want to be saying it like this, I wanted cards, a party, clowns, presents, cake, the whole nine yards, but all we have is this.
Your Momma is here helping me along and keeping me going and everyone else is fantastic, but I still miss you with such a heavey heart. The other day I saw a man pushing his son along in his stroller just like the one Grandma and Grandpa W got for you and that really made me sad, but then I got a smile on my face when I thought if you were here you would be getting me to run them off the side walk with our stroller:)

Your Momma and I will go out to visit you today and your spot, it's cold out today Buddy, dress warm

Love your DAD

Birthday Star

Hi Baby Boy,
Tonight has sure been a rough one. Daddy and I both remembering one year ago, and how everything began. It was pretty scary, more so now I think, remembering it more clearly.
I coulnd't sleep. I wasn't really expecting to anyways, so I took Champ out to look at the stars. I love going to the middle of the yard, its so dark, perfectly quiet... and then, just as I was telling you I love you, I saw a shooting star.
Shooting stars have always been magic for me. Thank you Baby Boy.
I love you to the Moon and Back. Happy 1st Birthday
Love
Momma

These few days...

Good Morning my Baby Boy.

I'm so torn between being angry, and happy. I made a list the other day of why I've been so angry, and the top 3 reasons are that
1. You arn't here
2. Tomorrow is your first birthday, and I can't have you here to celebrate it
3. Realizing that this marks our "year of firsts" but it really isn't going to make a difference wheather its our year of firsts, or tenth. You still arn't going to be able to be here
I want though, to be happy tomorrow. It is the day you were born, and I got to meet you, see your face, your nose, your red hair... That in itself is worth celebrating forever for. You are, and always will be my Son. Regardless of where you are. You are in my heart.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love,
Momma

Doctors

Hi Baby Boy,

We have been doing well here the past couple of days. I think it helped so much that I had my support group on Thursday night. Another couple was there, that was at the very first meeting Daddy and I went to, only 3 weeks after you left us. Their son Tommy passed away the day before you. Maybe you and Tommy are best frieds up there, and like your Daddy and Uncle Paul getting into all sorts of stuff. I talked a lot to Tommy's Momma. We both have been having a very hard year, and it was comforting to know there is someone who knows, though I wish no one knew.
Today Daddy and I are taking your puppy Champ to the vets for the first time. I can't help but think that I should have you, and been taking you to the doctors. I guess in your time here you sure saw enough though. You know the Doctors you saw, they are the best of the best. Dr. Cambridge, he's taking good care of me here, and all of the staff at Sick Kids Hospital, well, there are no words to say how wonderful they are... but you know...
I love you Baby Boy. To the Moon and Back.
Love Momma

St. Valentine's Day

Mr. Twinkle Toes, I am so sad. I want you here with me. I wanted to give you your first Valentines today. Daddy would have given you the biggest chocolate heart, and eaten it himself (and given you some, to upset me) I would have given you the book called Snuggle Puppy. I wanted to buy it for you today, but couldn't. I wanted to try to sing the Snuggle Puppy song out loud, but couldn't do that either.
I miss you so much, and I can't believe that next week will mark one year that you've been here and gone again.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Doing what I can

Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I know that you see Daddy and I have been having a rough time lately. It is so hard, comming up to what should have been your first birthday. I wanted so much to have a party for you, with birthday cake and everything...
I'm doing what I can though. I got a phone call the other night congratulating me on having you, and asking if I was still interested in doing a study now that you are almost one year old. I replied with I would if you were here, but since you had died I didn't think I qualified.
I spoke to Lori, and she said you and I are going to make a difference again. She is going to the ethics board to talk about how they can prevent things like this from happening. I even said that I would go to the meeting and speak if they needed me to.
I wish everything was different. I wish you were here. I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.
Love,
Momma

February

Hi Baby Boy,
I didn't make the connection, untill this morning, as to why I had such a terrible evening last night. Yesterday was Feb 1, 2007.
There are so very many things about this month... You were born, we got to meet you, I got to call you Mr. Twinkle Toes. Then you went on. I miss you, every day. I'm trying so hard to get better, for myself, for Daddy, for you, but its hard. I can't believe its been almost one year. I wanted to live better and stronger for you, but I havn't quite got there yet. I'm going to keep on trying though Baby Boy. Because just like Daddy wrote in your tribute
You tought us how to not give up, How to have hope, How to Love.
Thank You
I love you to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Arnold

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure had a good cry last night... Arnold passed away at about 12:17 am, in my hands. I held him all night, and thought about how I held you.
I know Arnold found his way to you. I told him to find you, and you'd have apples waiting for him (they are his favourite)
I wonder what your favourite food would have been... would you be like me and love anything pasta, or like Daddy and like all sorts of stuff...
I miss you so much, my stomach hurts again. I love you, to the moon and back. Have fun with Arnold. I love him too.
Love Momma

One foot in frount of the other...

Hi Baby Boy,
I figured I'd post a note, I know you've been watching over the events of this week, and know that I am going to be ok.
For others who may pop by to read, I've had a rotten week. I had a big set back, and am now on another 2 week leave from work, likely though it will be extended longer, and I'll hopefully get involved in a treatment program at the hospital for managing depression and anxiety.
I wish I knew why this happens, I was doing great at work. I know you were proud of me Jack, taking that new training and everything. Now I feel like I've really dissapointed everyone, again.
All I can do is keep trying to put one foot in frount of the other.
My hamster Arnold is really ill. It's time I think that he is going to pass away soon. I hope you'll be waiting for him Jack, you can have your very own pet! I would have given you any pet you wanted. Arnold is very lovely, I know when he is ready to meet you, you'll take good care of him. He really loves apples!
I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes. To the Moon and Back. I miss you.
Love
Momma

A new year

Hi Baby Boy,
I sure was thinking about you last night. Did you see me twirl around outside in my "snow globe" ? It was snowing, just like when you were in my belly. I immagined that you were watching me, and that it would make you so happy to see me dancing in the snow. It got me thinking that if I could do that, and feel you that close to me, I would still feel you that close to me if I weighed a lot less, and so, today, I signed up for the weight watchers at work program, and I'm really going to start taking better care of myself. I owe that to you, to your daddy, and to myself.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, and want you back. I will feel that for the rest of my life. I love you to the moon and back my Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love
Momma

New Years Eve 2006

Hi Jack

It's your DAD

Well it's New Years 2006 and it sure has been quite a year eh? This time last year your Momma and I were so excited because you were in her belly and we couldn't wait to meet you. I remember we just sat at home and watched T.V. and thought that this year we would have you with us. Well that didn't work out, sure you are here with us in spirit but not in body.

I keep saying to everyone that I don't have anything to celebrate and that 2006 was probably the worst year of my life, but since yesterday I have been thinking, it wasn't all that bad, your Momma and I got to meet you, and hold you and love you, that was the best gift of all.

I also wanted to take a sec to thank you for the no snow at X-Mas(I know that was you)

Your Puppy Champs gives you at Bark and says hi

And rememebr I will love you forever and ever and Always

Dad

Evenings

The time of day I miss you most Baby Boy. Especially tonight, Christmas eve.
Grandma and Grandpa W came up today for lunch, and we all took Champ for a walk to your spot, it was all I could do to not cry all day.
I wish you were here. I'd show you the moon in the sky, and all the stars shining. I know that's you up there though. You'd be the brightest star of all for me to see.
I love you Baby Boy. To the Moon and Back.
Merry Christmas Eve
Love,
Momma

No X-mas Here

Hi Buddy

Dad Here

Well only a couple of days until everyone else celebrates X-mas. I really didn't want anything to do with it this year, just driving around and seeing all of the stupid lights, people with trees tied to the tops of their cars, and all of that crap. I guess the 2 things that I miss the most this year are, I was goona take you to see Santa Clause at the mall, all I wanted was a stupid picture of you on Santa's lap, is that too much?, then I wanted someone to give us an ornament for the tree that said "Baby's 1st X-mas", everyone else has gotten one, this was our turn eh buddy?

If it makes you feel better I ate your Mommas Chocolate letter:)

Well I should get a move on and get supper started for your Momma before I go and pick her up(I got side tracked talking to your Uncle Tom)

Love ya Buddy

Dad

"Tis the Season

Hi Baby Boy, its almost Christmas. 4 more sleeps we would have said. Today we got our chocolate letters from your great grandma Cornelisse. It is a family tradion in the dutch culture that all the children and grandchildren get the initial of their first name in a chocolate letter. Since last christmas, when I was pregnant, I was so excited for your first christmas, you would get your first letter chocolate. I wish my chocolate letter didn't come. I don't want mine without you.
I miss you baby boy. I want you back.
I love you, to the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Daddy's Birthday

Hi Baby Boy,
Saturday was Daddy's birthday, and today we all went out for lunch. Grandma and Grandpa W, Auntie Sarah, Uncle Al, and Nolan...
But you wern't there, and Daddy and I sure felt it. You should have been here with us, and when Daddy says he wished you could be here, part of my heart breaks a little more. I don't understand why you arn't here, why you can't be here, and I will always think I should have been able do something more, or better to keep you. I'm so sorry to your Daddy, and to you. I know that no matter how hard I wish, I can't wish you back here, so I'll tell you, every day and every night that I love you. To the Moon and Back.
Love
Momma

Along for the ride

I know you're always with me Baby Boy, What did you think of this ride? Who would have thought a guard rail would take out our car... Thank you for being my angel and keeping me safe from harm. It could have been a lot worse. No one else involved and I walked away without a scratch. I'm sorry I let you see my temper though when I kicked the side of the door, it made me feel better.
I love you, to the moon and back
Love Momma

Ups, Down's and a comfy spot

Hi my Baby Boy.

Yesterday felt like I'd just realized you wern't here all over again.
I miss you so much. I felt a combination of raw terror, anger, and pain that you wern't here, mixed with a healthy dose of complete emptyness. It was a very scary place for me to be. I could only curl up and cry.
I did find a place to curl up in though. Right in the corner of the room, beside your dresser. There I could just let it all out and scream and cry. Just when I thought there couldn't be a tear left, a new wave would crash into me, and it would come tearing out of me again.
And then, your Daddy came home. I felt like I'd been saved. He held me up.
And today, he got me up, and I went into work. I had an Ok day. I was exhausted. My stomach still hurts I miss you so much. But I know you would want to see me smile, so I will keep on going on.
I love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy...
Love Momma

No Parade this year

Hi Buddy

Today is the day for Orillia's Sant Clause Parade. Your Momma and I aren't going this year. We went last year when you were in your Momma's tummy, we has such a good time with your cousin's, and I remember thinking how much fun next year was going to be when you were born and able to be there with us, all wrapped up and waiting for Santa to go by and wave at you. That's not gonna happen. I want nothing to do with the parade at all, I actually want nothing to do with X-Mas either, no gifts , no decorations, nothing. And most people understand what we are going through, and to the ones that don't , well that's to bad for them, it's just one year.

Instead your Momma and I took your puppy Champ out for a walk to your spot today. It was so cold and breezy, but your Momma and I were so toasty warm just thinking about you.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Sometimes

Sometimes Baby Boy, I feel this scream welling up in me from a depths of my soul that I didn't know can possibly exist.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm in quicksand, and if I move, I'll sink even faster.
Sometimes, I'm so tired of barly moving, I just want to stop, and sink.
Sometimes, I miss you so much, I don't know how to carry on.
Sometimes, I'm sure I'm going completly crazy.
Sometimes though, I can feel a bit of sunshine on my face, and the breeze on my cheek feels like you.
Sometimes, I feel like dancing for you.
Sometimes, I believe I'll be Ok.
All of the time, I love your Daddy.
All of the time, I love you Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Love, Momma

This is the poem I wrote, a few months after Jack passed away. I feel a little better all the time. I know that Jack, you are watching Daddy and I chase after Champ, and you're laughing arn't you?

Love Momma

A day for you

Yesterday was the memorial tribute to all the babies that passed away at Sick Kids Hospital. I'm sure you remember everyone there, who helped you, and who continue to help Daddy and I.
Your picture and name was on a great big screen for everyone to see. You are so beautiful Baby Boy, everyone said so. When your name was said, I walked up and placed an ornament on the Tree of Life. It is a little tear dropped shaped crystal. I put it on the highest branch, so it would be closer to you (although Lori had to help bend it down so I could put it on) and then, I read my poem for you.
After that, we got to do an activity called "Message in a bottle". I picked differnt things that reminded me of you, and included the letter's K, J, and J. It was very special, and I am so very glad I went. I love you, to the moon and back Baby Boy. I miss you.
Love
Momma

Champ and I went for a walk today

Hi Buddy

Dad here. Did you see Champ and I today? we went for a walk out to your spot at the park. We had so much fun just walkin' and talkin'. I showed him were we let you go and hang out. Here are some pictures of Champ there. It sure looks different out there eh? with no leaves and cold, but you know what? it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's still your spot.

Your Momma wasn't with us today because as you know she was in Toronto at the sick kids hospital to visit everyone and say the beautiful poem that she wrote (I'm sure she will tell you all of the details later).

Take Care buddy

Love DAD

Right Time

Hi Baby Boy,
You sure must have set things up tonight... I'd called Mel to invite her to the memorial service at the hospital next Sunday, and when she picked up the phone she said "it's you isn't it Karen". Hi Mel I say, and she starts crying... See Mel and her friends were playing pool, and they take turns naming the 8 ball. So her friend names the ball Jackson, and just then Momma's and Mel's favourite song starts playing on the radio, and thats just when I called Mel, about the service next Sunday...
Thank You Mr. Twinkle Toes. I know you want to see us there together.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love
Momma

Thanks Buddy

Hi Buddy

I just wanted to thank you for being there today when I got my new Tattoo. If you don't know already it was for you, it actually has your name in it. I could see you sitting outside the window and telling me to "Rock On! Daddy".

Love ya Buddy

Dad

First Snow

Hi Baby Boy, I'm sure that was you dancing with all the snowflakes in the sky tonight. Do you remember being in my belly last winter, when I used to look up at the sky when it snowed... I always said "it feels like we're in a snow globe" and Daddy would shake his head and smile at me. I miss you so much tonight. I would have bundled you up and taken you outside to see your first snow fall. I'm so glad we have Champ right now. I think that makes you happy too, because I got to go outside and look up at the snow, and I told Champ all about you.
I love you to the Moon and Back Baby Boy.
Love Momma

1st Snowfall of the year

Hi Buddy

Dad here. Well as you've probably already seen tonight we had our 1st snowfall for the season.

It was kinda fun because it's Champs 1st snow, but after we settled down a bit I realized this would have been your 1st snowfall. I wanted so much to take you for walks in the snow, pull you on a sleigh, and build a snowman. I know that your probably out there right now getting all wet and makin' snow angels.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Ups and Downs

Hi Baby Boy,
I was sure upset when I wrote last, and earlier today with my own longwindingroad letters... but I'm feeling better.
I know I didn't fail you, not when you were born, not when you left, and not the other day.
I just look at the picture of you in my arms, and I try to remember how I felt holding you, and I can't. I still don't know where you've gone. I suppose I'm not ment to know right now, but I wish I knew. I just want to know if you are happy, and warm, and snuggly. Is someone reading stories to you, and singing to you? Put in a request for Prince "raspberry beret" its my favourite song. I'd have sung it to you all the time.
I love you, to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

I'm sorry

My Baby Boy, The other day I saw a man smoking in his car. All the windows were rolled up because it was raining, and there was a baby in the back seat.
I was so angry. I was so heart broken, and sick. I wanted to bang on his window and yell at him, show him your picture and ask him what right in hell he has to do that with a baby in the car when I have never done anything like that, and I don't have you.
But I couldn't move. I just stood there and started crying. I should have said something. I should have somehow avenged you Baby Boy, but I didn't. And I feel like I've failed you all over again.
I'm so sorry.
Momma

Happy # 4

Hi Baby Boy, I know you're smiling today. It is my and Daddy's fourth wedding anniversary. Grandma and Grandpa W. called and sang us the traditional Happy Anniversary song, and Daddy and I had a really nice dinner out.
Tomorrow night we are going to a concert, to see Sarah Harmer. I love That Daddy of yours, so very much. After you left, I swore I'd never do anything ever again, never feel anything again. Time has gone on, and its nice, and I know you'd be happy that we are going out to a concert, and we are looking forward to it.
I love you so much Baby Boy, To the Moon and Back
Love
Momma

Welcome home Champ

Hi Buddy

As you have already saw your Momma and I brought home a new puppy yesterday, his name is Champ.

He is only 7 weeks old, he is a Yellow Lab and he is a really good puppy. I hop you don't mind Jack but he is going to live in your room. I know by putting him in there you can look out for him when your Momma and I aren't home (and you to can get into some mischeif also).

One thing that bothered me about getting Champ was that I felt like I was replacing you in some way, but I know that could never happen, your always my little boy:), and I know that egtting Champ will help your Momma and I heal.

Here's some more pictures of Champ

Take Care Buddy

Love Dad

Who am I vs. Who I am

Hi Baby Boy,
As you can see from all the letters past, I've been quite up and down. Maybe its the new glasses that's making me think more, I know you're Daddys son and saying I think too much, but I really feel like I'm split within my body. Part of me knows who I am. Who I've always been. Who I was while pregnant with you. But I look in the mirror, into my own eyes, and I don't know myself anymore. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a wide open field, part of me way over there, another me way off to the other side. I just don't know who I am anymore.
So I got thinking, well if I don't know who I really am, maybe now is the perfect time to be the kind of person I always wanted to be, because I know who that would be.
I would be right into a regular Yoga practice, jogging, and lifting weights regularly. I would be eating a very healthy near vegetarian diet (because I don't know if I could forever give up my filet mignion- however its spelt and marlot wine!)
I guess I would be more the old me, who exercised regularly, was confident, secure, and Happy.
Its like Deb said though, "Nothing Changes if Nothing is Changed"
Shes one smart lady.
I love you, to the Moon and Back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love
Momma

Momma's got 4 eyes

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes, I saw the first snow flakes of the season today. I thought of you dancing away up there while they fall around you. My most favourite thing is to stand in the middle of the area and watch the snow flakes fall at night and dance (much to your daddys amusment- its a good thing he loves me) I also got glasses. I picked out the coolest pair they had, so what do you think? I was suprised, even Daddy said he likes them!
I love you.
Momma

A Magical Morning

Hi Baby Boy, I'm sure you were watching the excitment this morning. Can you believe this was right outside our frount door! Poor Daddy, I scared him silly again when I screamed. I was just so excited. I've never seen deer in our yard, let alone 2. And they just hung around for about 10 minutes, even when Daddy took these pictures outside.
I love you with all my heart Baby Boy, to the moon and back.
Love Momma

That Daddy of Yours

Hi My Baby Boy,
I know you're watching over your Daddy, He has some nerve doesn't he, saying I'm loud :)
I know you're laughing out loud with me.
While we were walking today I found a rock, and it made me think of you, I wanted to bring it home, to hold it forever, but like you Mr. Twinkle Toes, It isn't meant to be held onto. I sent you all my love and threw that rock as far as I could into the Lake. It made a big splash, and I knew that was the right thing to do. I miss you.
Thank you to your Daddy, I had such a wonderful day. I'm tired now, after all the fresh air driving around, so I'm off to bed.
Sweet Dreams Mr. Twinkle Toes. You're probebly dancing in the water from that big splash.
I love you, to the moon and back
Love
Momma

A really nice Sunday Drive

Hi Buddy

Dad Here

Your Momma and I had a good day today. As you saw we went for breakfast(Our new favorite spot the Sunshine Cafe) and then we went for a nice looong drive (Wow Jack your Momma sure is loud, she will know what i'm talking about hehehe) and took lots of nice pictures. The colors sure were beautiful and the sun sure was shining and bright. Here are some of the pictures:

Your Momma and I were just not ready to have the big family Thanksgiving dinner with everyone today. I know that everyone understands what we have been through and what we are still going through and when the time is ready we will be back.

The next big holiday is Christmas and I don't know about your Momma but I'm telling you right now buddy I'm not having anything to do with it this year.

Well I should go

Love ya Buddy

Dad

Pictures and a walk for you

Hi Baby Boy, Did you see me walking down the road today? I took all these pictures to show our friends how beautiful Huronia Rd. is in the fall. I thought of you every step of the way. I thought of how much I miss you. I would have had you already throwing the leaves around. The last picture is one little leaf I saw on the path, and it made me think of the poem on our card that said "blow little leaf to a beautiful someplace" and it made me think of you. I love you, to the moon and back.
Love Momma

A walk to remember

Hi Baby Boy, Today Daddy and I ended up going to Toronto for the P.B.S.O Walk to Remember at Mount Pleasant Cemetary. There was Lori and Kelly and lots of other mommys and daddys. I even stood up and read your poem, yep, thats me!

I didn't even cry (untill the other mommy read her poem, it broke my heart and made me miss you even more) Grandma W even got up to say your name!
After everyone had a chance to say a few words, there was a dove release, Daddy got this beautiful picture as the doves flew free. It made me think of you flying free. I know I have to carry on, and I know I'll be happy again one day, but there is always going to be a place in my heart where you are, just for you Mr. Twinkle Toes. I love you to the moon and back.
Love Momma

Thinking of You

How are you Baby Boy? Today I got an invetation in the mail from Lori, at Sick Kids Hospital to attend the Remeberance ceremony. I'm going to see your name and picture on a big screen, and when your name shows, I get to walk up with Daddy to put a memento on the special tree where you will be remembered. It is a very special service and I am really excited to go. Its not untill Nov. so a little bit away. I wanted to put up a picture of the Morning Glory flower, I know you can see how big they've grown.
I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes
Love Momma

I miss you

Hi Baby Boy,
It's sure been a rough week around here... I'm so tired, and everyone is worried about me, and I've been worried about myself. I have a great team of family, friends and doctors though, so I don't want you to worry about me too Ok?
Daddy went out with Uncle Paul tonight. I was so glad that he took a break for the evening. I'm sure its tiring looking after me. I think though that I am going to quit trying to keep a journal, I need to just move my feet instead of my mind (because your Daddy always says I think too much)
I'm just babbling on tonight. I miss you so much Mr. Twinkle Toes. I don't want another baby. I want you. I hate that I can't have you. But I have your Daddy, and I need him. I love you both, to the Moon and Back
Love, Momma

P.B.S.O. Fun Walk

Hi Buddy

Well as you saw today your Momma and I with some other really terrific people all got together and raised some money for a really improtant cause and had some fun at the same time. You know your Momma goes to a group to talk about you and her feelings with some other people who's little babies also have left them to live where you are right now, the group is called PBSO. I can't begin to tell you how thankfull I am for this group, it has helped you Momma out so much. Here's you Momma at the park:

I think the most important thing about today for your Momma was getting to meet Lori, here's a great picture of the both of them:

Since you left us Buddy Lori has been such a help to your Momma and I with her kind words of hope and encouragement, we do not know where to begin to express our thanks to her, I guess all we can say is, Thanks Lori:) and it was so nice seeing you again today.

Your Momma and I were the last ones in from the walk, but we didn't care. The day was about us and you and just enjoying our time together, because I know that's what you would have wanted us to do.

Love ya Buddy

Dad

7

Hi Mr. Twinkle Toes,
I hope I havn't scared you this week. I've done a good job scaring myself and your Daddy though. I've had a really rough week, and I'm so sad, and I miss you so much. I hate that no matter how hard I wish I know I can't have you back. It was 7 months ago today that I had you. You were born at 3:17 am. You passed away at 4:47 pm, 7 months ago tomorrow. My most favorite song from Prince is 7... and the number 7 represents a confermation that you're on the right path. That is too funny, since I can't see where I'm walking right now, let alone be walking along a path. I'll just keep trusting that sooner or later I'll know what it is I'm supposed to know.
On Saturday Daddy and I are going to the walk for P.B.S.O, and I'll get to see Lori there. I'm really looking forward to it, and your Uncle Al, Auntie Sarah and cousins Nolan and Aidan will be there too. I'll be sure to get that Daddy of yours to take lots of pictures.
I love you, to the Moon and Back Baby Boy
Love Momma

Family

Hi Baby Boy, I'm getting tired after a busy day. Daddy and I drove to Toronto and saw your cousins Nolan and Aidan this morning. They are getting so big! Nolan can count to 10, and Aidan is starting to crawl. I wondered a lot today, if you were here, if youd be as big as Aidan, if you'd be trying to crawl, or if you'd just sit back and let everyone do eveything for you... I love seeing our family, but it makes me miss you so much. Sometimes its hard to come home to Stanley the cat, and Arnold (our hamster) because I'd rather have you. I'm trying to get better, I'm starting a new exercise tomorrow called Iron Yoga. Its yoga poses with free weights. Its time for me to come back, I know I've been saying that for a while, but this time I'm going to try even harder.
I love you to the moon and back Mr. Twinkle Toes. You give me strength everyday.
Love Momma